UnBrokenWings

Re-gathering of my scattered thoughts...

2007-11-13T01:53:00.000+08:00

Hmm... have been thinking about this since two events gone pass, the first more significant, and the second more directional.

The first was when i was given the opportunity to consider further studies as part of the company's career development for staff. It took me quite awhile before gathering my guts to ask the crucial question - whether i can study the course i want, which of course is not very relevant to my current workscope. The natural expected advise was that they could only help at the best interest of the company and my current work. That said, it actually relieves me of a cloud of doubt, enabling me to concentrate my thoughts on alternative ways to achieve my dreams. There are other, as another colleague of mine had done - doing research work on his own above his current workscope, which is actually more meaningful than spending a year or so chasing after another piece of expensive paper... well, at least not for now.

The second was during one of the short course i get sent on, to learn about new media (ie. blogging, podcast, vodcast and the like, though its anything but new, and the hype is getting abit stale now). Having blogged for more than a year, the blogging part was old news to me. I was getting abit stuck with work and somehow the fire in me had languished in the past 2 years. And then it struck me that i could explore this avenue of goal-direction and re-ignite the fire of environmentalism once more. I could blog about the world environment and connect the dots to our singaporean society! Next, will build a webpage with information that brings both singaporeans and the world society together, reconnecting the disconnections and distance we've mired ourselves in amid the chaos of information overload and attention-seeking adverts.

So there, my next goal (not that it'll be the last... it'll be a new beginning on the contrary), to connect ordinary people (hopefully the disinterested) with the seemingly ordinary and distanced outside world environment. To show how our wants and actions (or inaction) have an impact on someone else's world and their home environment.

With that, some words from the Linnaeus movie still fresh in my mind, if i can still remember them right.

Passivity and apathay are the most dangerous agents of environmental destruction

Think globally, act locally (Ed Wilson)

After my wedding is over, that's what i'll be embarking on. No more sitting around on my butt waiting for apples to drop from the sky. Better go plant some from whatever remaining old seeds...

Birthday at 2 Rochester Park

2007-11-12T01:00:00.000+08:00

Was really happy today b'cos... its my Birthday!!!

Yup, i'm now unofficially 19 years old!!! (ok ok, for those who still know me long enuf, i just hit the big 3).

Wife bought be some nice pressies and treated me to lunch at a Tex-Mex restaurant at Rochester Park.

I have to say, the food was really great and although we only ordered a 3-course set lunch each (and got a complimentary bowl of nachos chips which we could not finish), the food was so filling we had problems walking normally out of the restaurant! Fine, so we ate almost everything on our plates, but hey, we really appreciated the nice food! 4 Thumbs up for food, good price (for set lunches), good service and great al fresco ambience!

North Border
www.northborder.com.sg

This is the food we had:

Me:
Starter - Stuffed Jalepenos & Tostados (great hot stuff!)
Main - Pan-seared Australian Ribeye Steak (this is nice!)
Dessert - Homemade Sherbert with fresh fruits (was already too full to fully appreciate.. oops)

Wife:
Starter - Spinach and Scallops Salad (fresh greens and scallops nicely cooked in shell!)
Main - Slow baked Lasagne of Pork (so large a portion i've to help with 1/3 the lasagne)
Dessert - Warm Apple Crumble (needless to say, i finished half of hers)

Too bad guyz, i didn't take any photos :) But if you're there, do look out for their unique cutlery pieces!

Burpz!!!

gym...

2007-05-26T00:50:00.000+08:00

Gym... i can never get any peace away from it
like a demon that never dies, it simply fades into the background, waiting..
and then raises itself and tortures the mind for days...
hurts so much everytime, and i've become so wary of it,
that every mention or hint of it, claws itself back to the mind,
with fangs baring in full fury, opening old wounds anew...
my own undoing is once more...

can never get any peace from it

My 100th Post!!!

2006-10-26T23:47:00.000+08:00

Am really busy right now, with CGW amongst other work... dunno when will i ever catch up on my actual core work now that i'm doing so many of other people's work.

But am glad and happy though, that i'm blessed to have my jun dear with me through the times... could never ask for any better..

Just waiting to create the right opportunity to pop the priceless question :)

fallen leaves

2006-09-20T01:01:00.000+08:00

unforgiveable past
relentless haunting
eternal regrets...

am so sorry...

Anniversary dinner...

2006-07-03T01:09:00.000+08:00

A day to remember.

Played chef 2day and whipped up some nice makan with lao po to celebrate our 3rd anniversary together... without the candles :)

Menu

Vege-ham stew (the carrots are yummily sweet!!!)
baked russets potatoes
teriyaki porkmeat asparagus roll
broccoli-capsicum-tomato decor became salad greens...

2001 Yarra Ridge Cabernet Sauvignon

the food was soo... hmm.... nice! and most importantly throughoutly enjoyed with my dear dear jun! Jun did chop veges, reminded that asparagus needed blanching before rolled, and rolled some of the asparagus herself! Hee... can imagine us cookin up some feasts for ourselves and our friends in future :P and after all that, we made ourselves comfy and watched dear's Johny Depp in "Chocolat"... knew she'll be surprised by it... rite? Hee :)

was a really great day...... and i forgot to take photos of us and the food creation!!!

shall make those food sometime in future again... just that no recipe... food critic anyone? heheheheh...

In toast of our future together...

Looking forward...

2006-06-24T03:10:00.000+08:00

anniversary soon,

meat dish, vege stew, baked potatoes at candlelight

nope, not some fancy romantic restaurant, but chef here is cookin.

one need not go for high-end dining, but it definitely brings us closer with all the effort in the kitchen :P

now, just to pick the right cabernet sauvignon...

apologies for the long absense in bloggin, hav been busy :)

just one...

2006-05-11T00:14:00.000+08:00

a word to describe how i feel... thankful...

it may be a simple word to most, but to me, it resonates a myriad of a thousand feelings, of happiness, joy, relief, heartfelt love... so many... so much gladness...

my dearest will be embarking on her new journey soon... and i hope to be with her beside, holding her thru the new life and on... :)

words and thoughts...

2006-05-08T22:33:00.000+08:00

before i begin, i shall remind myself of the golden rule... never make promises i cannot keep...

to my dearest, i promise,
i'll be there for as long as i still draw breathe
i shall never make the same mistake again, regardless

you have given me a life to share, and a world to live
eventhough i can never forgive myself, i shall live truthfully for you

i know i've to give you time and space, and i know not when you'll accept
so i wish you here, for everyday till the end,
a very good morning and a very good night,
do take care... you mean the world to me,
be safe and be well...

vagaries of fate

2006-05-08T08:24:00.000+08:00

its funny how fate seems to make fun of our emotional lives, as many had said.

life seems to happen as if it'll never be enough of miseries and making a game of people's lives...

no matter how much i try to run away from my past, and start life afresh, the past always comes back to haunt me, hurting everyone i know... perhaps thats my fate, and probably that's my life, but i have to face it and be true about it... even if it means losing everything.

we're like pawns in fate's game. can't move on in life with what i've done...

i swear with my life it's the 1st and last time i made that mistake. i've kept to my word in the years past, thru 2 trying periods, and i will keep it until i'm returned back to the ground - let everyone be my witness and judge.

the angsana trees from my window are in bloom again, beautiful showers of golden yellow... yet they are always such fleeting exuberances... why do they always have to wither and gone with the wind so soon...

don't worry, i won't do anything foolish. i've still gotta stand up and live this life... i'll find the courage and strength to do so.

salt water wells in my eyes...

2006-05-08T01:24:00.000+08:00

i have been in love, and i still am...

my dearest had sent me her heart in a short note this morning...
and i'm afraid i've had just broken hers by a sin i commited years ago...
it was a sin i wish i nvr did, and i know that has come back to haunt me...

and as i read her beautiful touching note of a love and trust she'd given me, salt water wells in my eyes, because just as i was the most blessed person in the world i know, it all came falling down... the worst was not that i may lose her forever by baring my innermost soul, but that i had hid from her my ugly past til now...

forgive me, my sweetie.. for i never meant to hurt...
i'm sorry, for hiding my past from you until now...
i love you... and i shall treasure your love as i treasure your happiness...

dun cry... let me be the one to shed salt waters...

Reason of me being still working towards something

2006-04-07T00:39:00.000+08:00

Funny how sometimes a pursuit towards a meaningful dream becomes a tussle for petty recognition... to the point of the movement losing sight of its original meaning.

Started out wanting to do my share of goodwill work with an ambitious lofty dream. And becourse i work purely for the sake of what i believe in, ended up embroiled right at the centre of battles between my paymaster and my paymaster's sponsor for my work, all b'cos of "face" and image. Aren't we all working towards a common goal? Seems not, coz when i thought they had lost sight of the woods just for one tree, i wonder if they actually see the woods and not just their tree. How narrow-minded. And i ended up doing my "volunteer" work to the lates when others whom i'm fighting their battle for have left their posts for the day.

Fight for what you believe,
and not for other's agenda.

Thus, always protect the woods
and resist the blades of cold steel

careless whispers

2006-03-23T18:54:00.000+08:00

in a place where frens abound
sometimes the casual banter
may hide silent whispers...

got to know there were rumours of me somewhere. i've not heard of them, do not know from whence it came, nor do i need to know. all i know is, i'm true to myself and to the one.

i really hope my frens who heard them, know me enough and are able to treat me as the same fren they knew, and not with a wary eye. to me, everyone is my fren (except NCK), eventhough i may seem quiet or aloof, but inside i really wanted to be great frens wif everyone, to look after each other and enjoy the times together... it's a kind of frenship that i've not had for a very long time and truly yearned for, and which i feel i actually now have...

still... sometimes it can be really overbearing, and makes me afraid to be nice to frens, for fear of giving life to even more whispers. i know i can't tell them what they should think, nor do i want to... i don't have many frens and i don't wish to lose any more... i'm not afraid of whispers, and i place trust in my frens to see me beyond them too... but i've no wish to retreat back into a shell again and seen only from a distance...

careless whispers do no good to anyone and hurts everyone...

my frens, i have faith in you... have faith in me too...

We did 1,000 sit-ups on 17th March 2006!!!

2006-03-19T21:11:00.000+08:00

Col. Fred: "always have belief in yourselves that you can accomplish the impossible. now i know many of you will think 100 sit-ups is a remote possibility in itself already, let alone 1,000... but do give yourselves a chance to do something that you never have thought possible... and when you finally did it, then you will begin to think that nothing is impossible...

... and remember to bring a towel to place between your back and the tarmac road, will reduce the size of the *cherry from pumpkin-size cherry, but i can assure you that you will still get a cherry on your back or butt, unless you're not doing the sit-ups at all"

*cherry = abrasion, which may also include blisters

On morning of 17th March 2006, the last day of our 5th reservist ICT, Hendon Camp, we did what no group of men on earth, on that particular day at that particular time have done... and that we did in 2 hours what infantry, guards, officers and many other soldiers do in 25 years of their career... 1,000 sit-ups! without any breaks together with Col. Fred!!!!! His last batch of NSmen before posting out

"..... Like a machine.... buay sai su sei!.... cho hor yi si!!!...."

now to slowly nurse my aching back, waist, butt and the blisters at my tailbone... hee...

new dreams, hopes and life

2006-02-27T00:32:00.000+08:00

just when i thought my posting rate had gone up, it went almost straight to zero... hahaha.

was rather busy these recent weeks with lotsa stuff... work (unavoidably inevitable), interests, motorbike lessons... and a special someone...

am beginning to pick and build up my life again... had been really touched by a girl, and she made a difference in my life... i don't know if what we have will be forever - that's for fate to dictate - but i'll give what i can to make it work... and of course, she makes the final choice. Regardless, nothing can change the way we're good frens now, and will always be... and i really hope we'll be more...

take care, nite nite and sweet sweet dreamzzz.....

lazy movie sunday

2006-02-12T16:48:00.000+08:00

funny... somehow my posting rate has gone up of late..

must be all that writing for work and lack of conversing my thots.

Just saw "The constant gardener", starring Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz. Nice, but not as good as "The english patient". Mr Fiennes seem to have a knack of being in such sappy love-lost movies where both male and female leads loses their intertwined lives in the show, seperately, with him often outlasting his partner in anguish :X

A string of movies to watch... Syriana, Brokeback Mountain, North Country, Walk the line, etc etc etc, not sure if able to catch them all, but will not want to miss Da Vinci Code opening May 19th. also seen the trailer of Roberto Benigni's The tiger and the snow.. looks quite a nice show to watch.

okay, back to work - else the system block me from bloggin in office again hahaha

benefits of some cool shuteye

2006-02-11T22:52:00.000+08:00

jus thot i'll jot this down...

had a restful nap-slp jus now (hmm... 3-4 hours consider nap?), i think it had a sort of refreshing effect on the head (not that i don't know that, but am talking more about the soothing effects than the science of it). had some pretty funny dreams, had one wif me chit-chatting wif my former branch head about more mundane things outside work hadn't done dat for quite some time liao)... among maybe 1 or 2 other short dreams which i forgot.

am still feeling abit tired, eventhough didn't do any work, so the brain's probably still recovering from the massive turnover of cells the past week but its definitely alot better now - only a slight dull ache at the back of the head. had kept telling people in the past few days that it's like an over-clocked processor heated up hahaha.

think will get some early slp again (well... before midnite is early i think), and maybe do some reading that is not about work. probably will be able to concentrate better and longer tomorrow in the office. had to churn out a few things before the weekend really ends.

zzzzzzz................... (blow bubble).....

Initiatives

2006-02-11T19:54:00.000+08:00

A few new things to do for this year:

- Get Class 2B licence (1st lesson 2day was fun... accidentally turned hi throttle and almost buang into wall or other learners :X but luckily manage to do a tight cornering and squeeze thru both... crazy stunt for very first practical lesson, but any other way would've fallen.. will go slow frm now)

- Learn electric guitar (got learning guide book, now to find a suitable guitar and amp)

- Take leave for May... after everything is over. Need to plan now liao... 5 days leave, not sure to go mountains, sea or the quiet streets of some faraway city, but a week shld be enuf to clear the clouded head. really needed to get away, go somewhere to rethink my purpose and find some way to ease and soothe the mind. Almost forgot, remember to bring my mp3 n charger along hahaha

restless spirit
caught in the cold wintry night
without a soothin warmth
not knwing wither the gale winds take

perhaps for the sun it sought
exorcising heat burning away sin and self
or continual wandering in the darkness
feeling old and new comfort among familiar ruins

A reminder to myself

2006-02-09T23:05:00.000+08:00

General feeling of some of my frens at work...

Ever feel like a DoNkEy sometimes??

*Hahaha...*

alright... so my case wasn't so bad lah hor :D

slow roasting... cooked human brain anyone?

2006-02-09T21:31:00.000+08:00

2 papers
1 tender submission
3 meeting minutes
2 events coordination
3 programmes

all due or overdue and requiring immediate attention

and some of them are not even suppose to be my work, but somehow these ad-hoc works are now taking over much of my work time n second shift nite time, becoming part of my regular work. am wondering how am i goin 2 even do my own job when i had to do my bosses' job? nope... now my bosses' jobs is my job... their job is verbal only and i propose the decisions for them (as in "do this, but don't ask me how to do it, give me the completed draft") - easy to say but manager crack head n do. Problem is that these project things were not done before and almost everything is thought-up, planned n done from scratch... by the manager, which includes pushing Br Hd's agendas. Henceforth, any queries or follow-up please look for the manager.

and i almost couldn't believe that one of the task assigned to a committee member, and given 3 days to just either send emails or make simple phone calls to arrange and coordinate a staggered discussion, was basically left undone... the arrangement with selected team leaders and poster designers is tomorrow and he can tell me he's only asked the leader from his own branch coz he's busy, no emails sent out, no calls made, and that he'll call the rest of 10 or 11 leaders tomorrow morning if they can make it for discussion in the afternoon, and that he had to prioritise his work. I was like WTF... discussion is tomorrow, event is 2 weeks away, posters to be ready next week or so... and i just went ahead and completed arrangement with almost all the team leaders within todays' afternoon myself.

KNN... i'm already coordinating the whole bloody event and now i gotta do his work and get grouses from these team leaders for informing them this late!!!

back of the head between my ears now heating up 24hrs and stoned once i get home... except for typing this here (one's gotta have a pressure outlet somewhere... so long as its not fart like one of my colleagues hahaha)

no longer feel it's fair running so many one-man shows at the same time and covering the arses of my Br n Sect Head... starting to feel stoned n toasted brain at work now also. wish my head can just crack up now. if only i've not such a thick skull.......

well, at least still managed to finish writing 1 paper before leaving heheh, among others.

Please wait while the brran meltz down...
You may discard the roasted processor now.

hmm...

2006-02-08T22:22:00.000+08:00

Am glad still had the strength to ask, regardless the outcome

Hope didn't give too great a shock though (thinking of those whom i've scared off in the past for being direct like dat), but really sorry if i did :x .

Mind's clearer now, hoping things are okay being frens and me be my usual self again :)

Can't believe i spent the entire day typing the contact details of almost every single person in my whole division... finding and keying all the names, numbers and email addresses in the spreadsheet until eyes wanna pop and head big big. Probably almost dozed off several times staring at the computer screen... o_O'"

Good thing went to the pool to wake my brain up.

Granma's anniversary

2006-02-07T21:06:00.000+08:00

Is granma's anniversary today... has been 13 years i think but i still can remember her watchful eyes and contented smiles so long ago.

I wish her and granpa well up there, and to look over the family. Many things on my mind and really hope to find some peaceful respite... and answer within myself.

Somehow alot of things had cross my head and i couldn't help but question my abilities. Some things i never had a doubt, but the worst enemy is within myself. Why am i hesitant now? Perhaps i fear giving my all and end up losing a gd fren like what happened before? That was devastating.

I guess now, like many times before, i'm standing again at a closed door, not knowing what lies beyond. If its just about me then i've no worries walking right through even if i fall. But if it means the feelings of someone then i'll not want to cause hurt. All i wanted was for her to be happy, as always each time, and of course the best for her.

Ya, i'll still want her to be happy, so that means i must be too, and be positive as well. I'll want things to turn out well and even if it didn't we'll still be great friends. No clouding of the mind by the past... this is the present, and should be happy living it, for others and for myself.

And yes, i guess i will... :)

burning out again...

2006-02-06T00:05:00.000+08:00

not sure why, i've recently i have felt really burning out again and slowing down in my work efficiency... perhaps i really had too many things to think about and take care of? Or is it something else?

Feels like taking a break from it all, maybe a short trip somewhere to get some peace of mind. But is it really peace i'm looking for or the wished companionship of someone close? Firstly, it'll be highly likely i'll be goin alone coz i've none someone close. Secondly, since if i'm just there to seek peace of mind and that it wasn't the purpose then it makes no point to go. Guess i'm back to square one again. Snakes do think too much for our own good.

Was visiting my fren's family this afternoon. It was his son's 1st birthday and i was happy n envious (with good intentions) that both his parents' children are finally married n settled down.. both he n his younger sis are younger than me. Was at another fren's place last night to celebrate 人日节 with some frens, and had to be there for another fren drowning himself with alcohol over frustration with relationships - also another snakey n just abit younger than i am. I guess he's right to agree with me that we think too much for others instead of ourselves, but then, isn't it that all we wanted is for all those around us, especially close ones, to be happy?

So... apart from what i wished for others,

i wish for someone who could be there with me, and who can look me in the eye and say that she wished that moment can be forever, and if not, to be together for as close as can be til age breaks all up,
i wish for a place we can call our own, to share our peace n happiness, n to share joy with family n frens,
i wish for a better future for all that i wanted them to have, a greater peace, a better life,
i wish for a happy n fulfilling life, shared n treasured, with all the strength n heart i can muster,
for one who'll see me thru all that and still smile at my dreamy thoughts and antics.

i'm still quite a selfish person ain't i...

Somewhere out there -
Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram (An American Tail)

Somewhere out there
Beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me
And loving me tonight

Somewhere out there
Someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another
In that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there
If love can see us through
Then we'll be together
Somewhere out there
Out where dreams
Come true...

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there
If love can see us through
Then we'll be together
Somewhere out there
Out where dreams
Come true...

Disillusionment with governance

2006-02-02T23:26:00.000+08:00

Has to be one of the worst days since employment here...

Since reading that email, i still find it inexplicable and incredibly flabbergasted the way parent company's system works, and to say i'm downright disappointed is an extreme understatement. Fuming mad to say the least.

The specific query on my event proposal from the parent company is that how much the sponsor had given in order to warrant M's grace, and even after providing the figures (rather suspiciously), they even had the cheek to cynically remark if we are actually serious that the event is worth M's appearance!!! I was like... what the fuck?!! U mean if there isn't "enough" money in there, regardless of what the contribution and donation stands for, it won't be worth their while to sweat and feed mosquitoes on a saturday morning?!! Our governance runs on the value of the dollar sign?! Then for what kind of future are we working for? M's graces are for hire to the highest bidder? No money no talk? That the new generation are to be born and bred on a diet of materialistic survival mindset where the only true value of virtues is the colour of money? Then what the fuck are we really striving for ourselves and our country? That we pay taxes so we can have smiley people with unfeeling bottomlines taking care of our well-being and good life, breeding apathy, ignorance, arrogance and selfishness?

This reminds me of the old story (probably forgotten by those blind to other else) of the old woman and the temple. The temple followers had wanted to construct a newer and better temple in honour of their deity overseeing their good fortunes and blessed days, and went out in solicitation of donations. And old lady went up to them to contribute the remaining of her worldly possessions (with enough to presumably get by herself) - 4 copper coins. The followers gave a laugh at the paltry sum and how financially insignificant the 4 coins will be to the creation of a grandiose proud repose for their deity, and threw them into the ditch nearby. The lady, disappointed and shamed, went away.

When the temple was near completion, things start to go wrong. Stone walls begin to crack and erect solid timbers became strained and bent. Eventually the temple collapsed before even receiving its first pilgrims. Several more attempts were made to rebuild but all came to naught. The worried followers start to question the events and eventually found out that the wrath of their deity was incurred because they had not respected the old lady's contributions, given how she had accorded more value to the building of the temple than of her own material needs, and instead judged her significance on the dollar sign rather than the true meaning of her giving.

Needless to say, the temple was finally built with the 4 original coins, and the lady vindicated. Now i don't say that the sponsor is likened to the old lady, but that the parent company, as with the followers even with the best of intentions, failed to look beyond the monetary value of the contributions, much less the effort that goes into organising the whole event.

The personal efforts towards the event is immaterial. However, this revelation really made me think hard and deep about the sort of values the parent company espouses and potrays in contradiction. The donation may be a sort of publicity promotion, but it underlies the values their organisation seeks to potray themselves, and to believe in as their company culture, as a socially responsible corporate citizen. I find it especially hard to swallow that these "other" values are lost on those of powers. I can take disappointment and failure for not being able to have M's grace for good reasons, but not the apparent fact that disregarding the meaning of the initiatives, the cash simply outweighs all other factors. Says so much about what values underlie "good" governance - perfectly understandable in a corporate business sense but totally unforgivable in a company that was built by the people for the people, now seemingly taking on the tact of "show me the money and i'll give you your dues".

Ultimately, the people will lay their life for their country because of nationalistic pride and familial values, but not for a company that runs the nation based on the dollar sign everyone contributes and on the limited goodwill of the people.

missing...

2006-01-31T01:57:00.000+08:00

"somebody" Depeche Mode

I want somebody to share Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side And give me support
And in return She'll get my support
She will listen to me When I want to speak
About the world we live in And life in general
Though my views may be wrong They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all She will understand me...

I want somebody who cares For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things In a different light
All the things I detest I will almost like
I don't want to be tied To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I'm asleep I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me and kiss me tenderly
Though things like this Make me sick
In a case like this I'll get away with it...

am missing a fren
who'd made me understand
that this world is better shared
with the troubles, laughter n joys of a gd fren

the weary journey home

2006-01-24T00:05:00.000+08:00

tired... jus plain tired from all the work. any breaks jus mean more to expect when i'm back. guess that's what happens when the load is such that a 7-day workweek is needed just to clear as much backlog as possible, and to prevent more work from piling up the next day.

the fire's still alive n burning, but the weary mind does sometimes casts clouds of disillusionment upon the flaking embers...

heard these on the way back home and the hardened mind eases. not knowing to whom the songs were wished for though, so let it be for you who reads it...

Phil Collins "Groovy Kind of Love"

When I'm feeling blue
All I have to do
Is take a look at you
Then I'm not so blue

When you're close to me
I can feel you heart beat
I can hear you breathing in my ear

Wouldn't you agree?
Baby, you and me
Got a groovy kind of love

Any time you want to
You can turn me on to
Anything you want to
Any time at all

When I kiss your lips
Ooh, I start to shiver
Can't control the quivering inside

Wouldn't you agree?
Baby, you and me
Got a groovy kind of love

Ooh

When I'm feeling blue
All I have to do
Is take a look at you
Then I'm not so blue

When I'm in your arms
Nothing seems to matter
My whole world can shatter
I don't care

Wouldn't you agree?
Baby, you and me
Got a groovy kind of love
We got a groovy kind of love
We got a groovy kind of love
Ooh, ooh
We got a groovy kind of love

Cher & Peter Cetera "After all"

Well, here we are again
I guess it must be fate
We've tried it on our own
But deep inside we've known
We'd be back to set things straight

I still remember when
Your kiss was so brand new
Every memory repeats
Every step I take retreats
Every journey always bring me back to you

After all the stops and starts
We keep coming back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall

After all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you
I guess it's meant to be
Forever you and me
After all

When love is truly right (this time it's true and right)
It lives from year to year
It changes as it grows
And oh the way it grows
But it never disappears

After all the stops and starts
We keep coming back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall

After all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you
I guess it's meant to be
Forever you and me
After all

Always just beyond my touch
You know I needed you so much
After all, what else is living for?

After all the stops and starts
We keep coming back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall

After all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you
I guess it's meant to be
Forever you and me
After all

Sometimes life can be so full of things, yet still empty
Just like a glass can be full of useful air, yet is containing nothing
And same as it is,
with a heart pumping full of blood but devoid of feelings
Or a mind fill with myriad of thoughts, but without emotional attachments

Pray not it may come to pass shall i live that kind of life...

meaning of me being

2006-01-08T23:10:00.000+08:00

what do you call a person who sees the future of others and the future of society, but sees no future for him or herself?

a self-delusional metamania idealist... make sense, no? it's not suppose to, hahaha.

won't somebody help make me believe in my own future, by making me whole again?

]]]}}}xxxxx>>>>>>>>>=============~~~~~~~-----+++>

i feel what i can perceive, see what i can visualise, think what i can imagine and work towards what i can believe... into making it real.

there is no need to think out of the box when i let none exist... the box is just something of my own mental construct, my own led-to-be-believed barriers which will just fall away, if only i see that it is my own self that has the power to take it apart; the only risk being a simple everything, or nothing, depending on what i think.

okay, back to work again...

Highlights...

2006-01-02T20:44:00.000+08:00

Have to admit, life has gotten quite well for me in the past months... happy times. Some of the highlights from Nov...

18th Nov - Frens at work (PM West n Rec) celebrated my belated bday... that was real touching

10th - 11th Dec - Batam wif KT frens!!!

23rd Dec - Celebrated Xmas wif potluck in office.. too much food but was real great!!!

24th Dec - Xmas party at Kino's place wif frens from KT - becoming a wine-appreciation session liao hahaha.

30th Dec - Early New Year celebration wif frens at work in office.. lotsa pizzas n KFC!

31st - 1st Dec - New Year countdown wif KT frens at East Coast... 1st time i actually had countdown outside home wif frens!

Wonder what'll come next... but i guess most importantly, must live the new year with a positive mind and just be happy about what i have, and what i can still achieve!

Cheers to all for the New Year!

Wat a Start to 2006!!!

2006-01-02T20:26:00.000+08:00

Unexpected beginning to 2006! Somehow, dunno how it happened, my good'ol stomach started to act up soon after the Countdown and subsequently refused the nasi lemak i've already eaten. Thot it'll be okay if i just puke it out (not once, but twice!), but by then am oredy too sick to think. Went thru the process of bloated stomach (hence cannot eat much else all stuck 1/3 down the pipeline and come out again), cold sweat n heated head... wah... the brain hot until felt like cannot take it liao yet body feeling so cold n shivering from the fan meant to cool myself down. Basically confined to bed n aching like hell... okay lah, not so bad.

Come to think of it, have not felt sick for more then 4 years since NS days, and not this bad since 3rd year poly days when had a similar thing. No wonder it hit so bad and grounded me for more than a day! Luckily today need not work, else jia-lat... and i'm STILL behind in quite abit of work! Since it's such a rare occurrence, probably shld record it here haha.. and to remind myself i'm still human wif some limitations.

Am still abit bloated (stomach needs some coaxing... no alcohol for awhile for me) n heady, but at least can think liao... n managed to finish Da Vinci's Code today! Hahah! Ready to start on some work... all i need is some Cafe Mocha...

Old song from Whitney Houston

2005-12-28T23:39:00.000+08:00

To the ones less privileged, who have little means to live... for the parents in worn-torn places, and the children who live their lives in a world messed-up by mankind and not knowing a childhood, and for those amid the despair who sees the chance to make a better world... a song of strength from within, especially the last 4 lines.

Sometimes, one only needs to see the innocent smile of a carefree child to understand that there's still a future yet written... and it's everyone of us who hold the nib and ink in our hands.

Whitney Houston - Greatest love of all

I believe that children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride, to make it easier
Let the children's laughter, remind us how we used to be

Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so i learned to depend on me

[Chorus]
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If i fail, if i succeed
At least i live as i believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity

Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

I believe that children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride, to make it easier
Let the children's laughter, remind us how we used to be

[Repeat Chorus]

And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love

Message for Jenlene

2005-12-28T19:07:00.000+08:00

Harlo J.

If you've managed to stumble upon these pages from my friendster Acc, you probably would've realised what i've kept from you for the past 3 years, that i wasn't in any longterm relationship.

The reason is very simple - right from the very beginning i do not want to give you any false sense that there is any chance of us being a couple, and it will always remain as that. Since Poly days, i've only treated you as a friend, and i have no idea how you could've thought otherwise while in Australia, cuz it will never be possible for me to treat you more than as a friend - and i'll see to that... i have given you the reasons why more than once already. In fact, i was rather in disbelief that you could even suggest that my relationship with the other was likely to fail, among other things. That, to me, is very selfish.

I'll just like to drive home the point - as if i've not done so already - that i don't see anything to develop, and had never did. While we still have some bit of friendship left, please avoid doing anything more to destroy it. I'll just leave everything as it is now.

As always, i wish you good luck in your work and life. Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.

Heavenly bodies, money and good 'ol Raffles

2005-12-26T00:35:00.000+08:00

In case everyone starts to think i've gone off-tangent imagining abt lithe bodies n cash at the latest fashionable hangout, well... almost. Hahaha.

I think i've found a fav hangout... and it surprises me even, and that's Starbucks at Raffles City. Never occurred to me after so many years, but i've now spent quite afew times there, at some corners where i can get a cuppa and just sit down either catching up on my latest work or reading some book on weekends or public holidays (like i did today for 3 hours straight wif a cafe mocha grande... haha).

Somehow that place, despite it's prominance and exposure to the crowds, contrary to some nice quiet coffee place with comfy cushy seats where i can stretch n laze with a pen and notebook (and which until now i've yet to find in rush-hour Singapore), i've manage to enjoy my own little private space without much awkwardness or distraction. And always plugged in to my mp3 player earphones with the music keeping out all the hubris and clatter of the typical Singaporean crowds. Of coz, sometimes the temporary presence of heavenly lithe ladies enjoying some cafe would enrich the occasional break for my eyes and mind... one's still gotta enjoy the senses sometimes right? Hahaha.

Yup. That Starbucks have definitely become my new hangout place.

Merry Christmas, one and All!!!

2005-12-25T15:05:00.000+08:00

A small sincere greetings, full of though and wishes...

to everyone out there...

A Merry Christmasy time and a Happy Newy Year!!!

may you enjoy this beautiful day, with lotsa fun and laughter, smiles and joy, with friends and loved ones.

Cheers!

Big King Kong

2005-12-23T00:34:00.000+08:00

Hadn't blogged in quite awhile...

just watched King Kong at Lot 1, such a sad show.

after timeless eons of loneliness, big kong finally found the one worth his life for...
and sadly, as fate often would have it, the one thing he strives for, goes from his grasp in the end, and even then he was still king until his life ebbs away. at least his love was there when he closes his eyes for the last time.

the audience around me was sniffing away towards the end of the show already, and the buckets really fell when the curtains closed. even guys were crying.

i think i'm no longer feeling, and may have lost the ability to cry... maybe because i've left nothing inside me anymore... maybe because i'm alone too... and all i could was watch with dry sad eyes... but somehow the heart weeps for big kong.

he did not manage to say much, or anything at all, but big kong with Ann Darrow and the other characters, spoke volumes...

we all fight for what we love, even if we know that it will slip from our grasp in the end, but we strove on... for the until the last moment when we have our love with us, when we close our eyes for the last time, we know, that the life had been worth it. we all do what we can to protect what we loved, and to that end we all are kings, like big kong on the pedestral, until we let go with watered eyes, and fall...

the more we give, the less we leave for ourselves, but the more we keep, the emptier we feel inside... this is a real cold hardened world we live in, but we gotta keep on moving. we all have to do what we have to do, for while we control our destiny, fate controls our lives. we make do with what we can.

i guess our greatest fear is that when we gave all our hearts to someone, we don't get loved back. glad that at least big kong didn't suffer that fear.

a beautiful sad show... sunsets and all.

work live work live work live zzzzz4ever

2005-11-30T01:01:00.000+08:00

BrHd just gave me 2 more work scope (not assignments, but workSCOPE) today, not including the one i mentioned earlier abt the safety thing. Like dat oso can kana pull into yet another committee. As if my S/Hd's work i'm covering now isn't enough - barely coping, much less my own work... now have to do even more stuff. Still can insist that my D ordered him to want me attend and pass ISA course which clash with my BIG YAP thing in January, which i'm doing very much alone at the moment. Xiao boh...

anyway... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...............................................

Work to live or live to work?

2005-11-29T00:58:00.000+08:00

Tired, so this is gonna be short... maybe edit longer later.

After CGW and now student attachment over liao (except some loose ends haven tie up yet), thot can rest... instead got more work then ever. Now that YAP is waiting to run full-steam (and design companies r calling me up to ask if they've got the job - which i can't answer coz haven shown sponsors their works yet - which they can't coz they too tied up with events)... can't imagine how i'm suppose to make a miracle happen less then 2 months from now and make the event a success... but i gotta do it somehow.

The filming for the other aspect of the project is gonna start soon... again i'm like coordinating like siao. With my D happily telling them i'm the engine of the whole thing, i'm rushing to come up with material (as with YAP n interpretative signages - which i did almost all of them over Deepavali, Hari Raya n a Saturday in office), answering their queries, pleading with other divisions to let the filming proceed yet sensitive to their concerns and the film co. giving me details so last minute, and then i have to get everything cleared by another department so everything can proceed (and she had not given me the okay yet... later's the shoot liao... think i'm either gonna shoot someone or myself).

And now the LPS thingy is gonna start again... more mayhem and chaos... and i'm still coordinating the whole bloody thing alone, over 4 divisions and 2 contractors - islandwide.

Oh, not forgetting the H-roads and the recent fracas... had to argue with my AD coz he's so blatantly wrong over what was already set in stone - and he expected his word to overturn what our D, the planners, regulators, etc had already agreed months ago, and verbally wants me to do as he say. Now who's not thinking, and why didn't he voice out during the few times he ever looked at what i had proposed (he didn't even attended a single discussion, let alone know what's goin on). The hell with him, i'm not gonna let him ruin the whole thing and blame it on me. At least if i make my own decisions and is wrong, i'll gladly take full responsibility. Now that the legal AD is asking for opinions, why is my AD so quiet now? At least i've got a small victory with the rest backing my proposal.

And now, while my S/Hd is on leave, i'm covering and doing HIS work in addition to my own, which is quite alot.

And my AD still has the cheek to ask if i'm not overloaded yet, and that there's no such thing as being overloaded - he's a fine exampe... so many to do yet still can go home at 5.45pm. Yeah, that's b'coz he's nothing between his ears and let us do all the work while he uses his mouth. Now that he's mention that he'll want Jeff to concentrate on CIB full-time, i'll be taking over Jeff's committee secretarial role. Shitz...

40+ consecutive days of being in office to work or at least clearing some stuff... and still counting.

zzzz................

So touched n happy 2day!!!

2005-11-18T23:19:00.000+08:00

I knew it was coming, but somehow was still quite taken by the warmness of my frens.

Today almost the whole of Parks West Branch and former Parks Recreation Branch celebrated my birthday during lunchtime in office! Didn't quite knew how it was planned coz i was kept outta the email loop, but we had 4 pizzas, some indian dough breads with curry, and a chocolate cake!!! They even switched off the lights and sang me a birthday song!!! Am so touched i didn't know what to say... was the first time i celebrated my birthday in years, and if memory serves me well, the first time in my 28 years friends gathered and celebrated my birthday together! And they even bought me 2 shirts as presents!!!

Dunno what to say... but this......

Thanks everyone for being there for me!

wah... darn tired. just got more work now that CGW will be over. Hope i can survive the madness!

Song for past loves... n future hopefully, haha.

2005-11-13T22:57:00.000+08:00

went to office today to clear some work after the crazy CGW week... this song was playin in my muvo2 and somehow it brought my mind back to the happier times past, seemingly so distant yet so much like yesterday. this song's a real melody for a loving pair duet, thru the odds, but just being with each other is true happiness as the rest of the world falls away...

we're all just strands of grass wavering with the winds of fate, so helpless in the storms of change, and that's what i leave myself to... might as well wave in full glory our fleeting fiery existence :)

"Come what may" theme song from the movie Moulin Rouge

Performed by Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor, in duet

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you

And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide
But I love you, i love you, until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day
Oh, come what may,
Come what may
I will love you, I will love you

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Happy Dip-avali!!

2005-11-01T23:18:00.000+08:00

Funny... had wanted to go office do some work today and when walking almost to Gateway frontdoor, thought about the shut aircon and made a 180-degree U-turn. HAHAHA.

Well, at least i had some stuff with me to do, so went in search thru Suntec, newly-revamped Marina Sq and Raffles Linkway... darn, its so hard to find a coffee place with some quiet corners and cosy sofas, playin good jazz music without much distraction. Settled for a nice spot at Starbucky and plugged into Ella Fitzgerald's jazz (just splurged again on a set of her cds... maybe i should go get more at That CD Shoppe?? heheheh). Sat there for a good 4+ hours, accompanied by a grande cup of cappuccino which i forgot to add sugar and finished write-ups for 6 Changi heritage trees... whew!!! Well, 5 more to go at least.

Walked around the inside of Raffles City... haven explored that place since eons ago, and saw the myriad of Christmas trees, trinklets n decorations at Robinsons... and i thought "gosh... i've not celebrated Christmas for years"... Hmm... come to think of it, i've not celebrated anything much for just as long too, 'cept for Chinese New Year. Even i missed that one in 2004 while at Aussie, workin that day in the darn Jap restaurant. Well, eventhough i'm not christian, perhaps i'll add abit of festive cheer this time round. Even if eventually i'm goin round Orchard myself again, might as well make it a happy one.

NOTE: There's now a 50% off Christmas decorations at Raffles Place Robinsons (unadvertised), so grab some before they're gone!!!

And so, now i know why my wallet's gotten so worn. There's a small Christmas tree on my desk, and a pollyana hangin outside my cubicle wall, from Robinsons, decorated with my dips n other fruits. Just waiting for Ella Fitzgerald's Christmas album to be put on sale again...

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2 U!!! HoHoHo!!!
The Festive Spirit's for One n ALL
So Give Each Other a BeAr HuG
And Spread the Cheer!!!

MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! HoHoHo!!! :-D

Haiz.

2005-10-31T01:51:00.000+08:00

Feels so sorry for my mum... i guess i've stopped talking to her so much for being concerned about me that i've made her cry. And she's right... i never talked to her much anymore, but i needed my own space for awhile.

Hope our talk just now made her understand i nver was angry with her for anything, and that i know how much she cares about me... it's hard for me to show it and i just needed to be by myself sometime. We can always talk about work, news, family stuff and others... perhaps i should try to be less of a total stranger from now...

It's the 3rd time i really saw her cry in my life... sorry mum, nvr meant to treat u like this. Dun cry anymore.

Some peace n quiet in office 2day

2005-10-30T00:46:00.000+08:00

Yup... spending some time in office on a saturday definitely is one way of cooling down the mind and getting some peace n quietness.

managed at least to finish writing two meeting minutes... sianz... monday another meeting gotta write minutes again. hopefully tomorrow can at least reply that feedback email, production schedule for another project, re-phrase the tender submission (for the 3rd time... man, the contractors oredy died of hunger liao!) and do the write-ups for those tree species (another contractor potentially dying of hunger just waiting for it). Jialat... still have the student attachment thingy haben do yet, 29 days overdue!

went for a walk after leaving office, just to get my mind off things. haven been really speaking to folks at home for some time... i just really need being left alone for awhile, plugged into my mp3. went thru suntec and decided to explore the newly revamped marina square.. and i was like WOW! The whole place just got much bigger! And chok-a-block with restaurants!!! No wonder the foodcourt is getting no business. Just had my very first RotiBoy bun, not bad... quite nice actually, but ya, abit oily so i think that's why its getting no business also from the now health-conscious singaporeans. Too bad for those who refuse to enjoy. Not done yet walkin Marina Sq. Gonna go there again sometime.

Popped into the theatres to watch "Domino"... another WOW! Dunno why there's so few people watching, but that's what i call MY kind of movie... AbSoLuTeLy FANTASTIC!!! Very messy and complicated, and need some pretty deep linking in the head before knowing what's goin on, abit like Pulp Fiction, and intriguing enough to be Great! That's how i like living life on the edge where life n death is just determined by that thing called Fate, and Destiny is like a child's game which the players never know what will happen next. The bunch of 18-year old boys behind me commented the movie sucks, probably they're just waiting for the females in the show to strip and sex up the screen. Too bad little boys that you're disappointed much, you just couldn't be bothered to use your head on your shoulders instead of the one between your legs to enjoy the show. For me at least, best movie i seen so far apart from Charlie n chockie factory. I think it's even worth watching 2nd time round and getting the DVD! Much like Fight Club was to me, another dark, unpredictable and exciting movie.

Yup... i guess all that do serves to keep my mind happy, living life on the edge. It still surprises me how i can still keep my control and sanity. With a glass of dry scotch to go with it.

Last note... just did 1.5km freestyle non-stop yesterday. Abit slow though, but wait til my strained shin recovers... at least now every step no longer so unbearable. Still scratchin my head over my timing for the triathlon... they must've shortened the distance somehow. Pray for the poor guy who drowned... thot he was just lying there on the beach and everything would be okay. Will stick to 3 times at the pool a week. Maybe time to switch to somewhere else from Delta pool.

Rotten attitude

2005-10-29T00:28:00.000+08:00

Just like to say, those few in the committee if you can't be bothered to even attend any meeting, please fuck the hell get another person be the committee member! After so many meetings all i've seen is attendence dropping close to half the members, i even had to go find and beg members to come attend. One of the recalcitrant even had to tell he's gotta reply emails and still won't get off his butt, hell, i don't care if you've 3 fucking MP letters to reply, the very fact you only sat in for 1 hour for 1st meeting and never came again, and your left-for-the-dead mindset of the committee, then go tell your director get another rep! Come-on, it's not as if i've no work to do and free to attend, i'm burning 3 straight weekends for the big november event month and working after 7pm almost every work day and still can't clear my work!!! Then what's the point i arrange and coordinate every meeting when so many doesn't want to come??!! Please at least have the courtesy to say you can't attend or send a rep after so many reminders!!! We can't wait a fucking half hour for you recalcitrants to think it's not worth your while being in the committee to even bother replying! Top management should peg attendence to staff appraisal, then send attendence to their Heads!

*Nb. The above only applies to those who attended less than 2 out of the now 6 meetings, without so much as valid reasons or not even bothering to say not attending.

Another is my immediate supervisor. Hey, i can cover your work, but please, attending 3 out of 5 external high-level meetings in the past 5 months is too much! Other agencies can bother to have their Heads and senior managers come almost every time, you still can ask me to do your work which you can't finish coz got "CCA" after 5.45pm! Eh, i'm not as free as you think leh, i manage 3 contracts, chasing after contractors and own staff over 4 divisions and i can't even get required info on time! I get seperate work from 4 different superiors and i don't even have anyone to share my work load! Not that i can't handle and whining, but pleaseee... don't give me work that is suppose to be your portfolio's responsibility! Still ask me to be Emcee for the event next weekend when u bluddy know who the VIP is! I've no problems doing so, but that only shows how gutless some higher level ppl is when faced with prospect of hosting someone at high office!

Saying of which, my head's head, wah lao, c'mon, i write the submission to senior managment coz i handle the project. What's so scared for?! It'll be my name and D's name there, not your bluddy name. The most i get sack lah, scared for your rice bowl for what?! Still ask me so many times confirm i put my own name and not yours. I ask for more funds than anyone else did in the past coz i know how undercutting will undermine our work, if you can't get your head out of the prevailing trends and follow the crowd, then how is work goin to change for the better?! I'd rather be vocal and get sacked, then keep quiet and suffer the more for it and let things rot and get worse. Thought u changed after your surgery, and i even gave u a gift from my holidays, you even reject out of fear from internal inquiries and still think can finally step over me when i tried to be friendly. Hope you retire soon, else you'll only get more frustrated by me longer.

If we can't even change the dead-end mindset of our own self and organisations, that what hope do we have in breaking out of the public perception that we do what they expect us to do for them... service to their every whim and stupidity, and threatened when we advise otherwise?! Has this become of the civil service after pampering our people so much that we can't even act or advise responsibly with wisdom, and all even for their own sake?!

Shitz.. thinking of all these just kills brain cells. Will salavage some brain for work tomorrow. Apologies if my language offended anyone, but the series of incidents these past week really got to me and i had to let rant here. Else i'll go rant at people.

To let go of u now... promised

2005-10-17T23:14:00.000+08:00

Thanks for the message, well at least i know now for sure there is a proper end, and not leaving me half-guessing... really really appreciated it.

I still wish you well in whatever you do, in whatever comes your way in the future and may you have a blessed life. Coz, no matter what i'll still treat you as a friend even if our paths don't cross again, and in the unlikely event (and i pray will never happen) that you may need my help in anything, i'll be there, as a friend, for you... just like i am to all my friends.

And so, as i promised, i let go. Cheers, take care and have a good nite :)

追

2005-10-16T23:28:00.000+08:00

每个人的生命中，追求最重要的是什么？
那。。。每一生中最重要的，又是什么？

我相信，每个人都想追求拥有快乐。而这世上有很多不同的快乐。。。

有很多事物和人生的目标，我们会不断的寻找，不停的负出之道成果。但，哪一些快乐才能够真正陪伴一生呢？这，只有自己心里才会明了。。。

张国荣- “追”

这一生　也在进取
这分钟　却挂念谁
我会说　是唯独你不可失去

好风光　似幻似虚　
谁明人生乐趣
我会说　为情为爱　仍然是对

谁比你重要　成功了败了也完全无重要
谁比你重要　狂风与暴雨都因你燃烧

一追再追
只想追赶生命里一分一秒
原来多么可笑　你是真正目标
一追再追
追踪一些生活最基本需要
原来早不缺少。。。
有了你　即使平凡却最重要

好光阴　纵没太多
一分钟　那又如何
会与你　共同渡过　都不枉过

疯恋多　错误更多
如能从新做过
我会说　愿能为你　提前做错

谁比你重要　成功了败了也完全无重要
谁比你重要　狂风与暴雨都因你燃烧

一追再追
只想追赶生命里一分一秒
原来多么可笑　你是真正目标
一追再追
追踪一些生活最基本需要
原来早不缺少。。。
有了你　即使平凡却最重要

一追再追
只想追赶生命里一分一秒
原来多么可笑　你是真正目标
一追再追
追踪一些生活最基本需要
原来早不缺少。。。只得你。。。
会叫我彷佛人群里最重要

有了你　即使沈睡了　也在笑

Starting anew

2005-10-15T22:09:00.000+08:00

How life has become a full circle...

Two things i have begun, both likely to be turning points in my life... was (and still is) at crossroads, guess these two directions aren't exactly on the map, and definitely not the the usual paths people take. I don't walk the easy road, but create one out on my own... 路，是自己打招出来的...

I've just proclaimed to her, that i will start anew and court BB from square one, knowing the desired outcome may well be quite impossible. I have been thinking alot eversince then, and gone thru several phases of emotional thought and soul-searching... but now it had dawned onto me that she had been the only girl who had meant and shared so much that the thoughts had become an inextricable part of me... "missing her" is an understatement... she had shown me happiness which had eluded me for so long, even for that short period of time it's something that i would cherish and treasure all my life. i know she may well be avoiding me now, and i'm probably bothering her anyway, but i've given my promise - hopefully not onto empty hands, and will try with all my heart. I've tried, to look at others, seeing all the pretty things there is today... i could not feel anything for them anymore. I will try again, much more slowly this time.

And i've probably just set a new course for my life, and do something more meaningful with it. I have come to realise that alot of things have lost their meaning... material wants, entertainment, karaoke, fashion, etc... so many things that singaporeans had been aiming to obtain and enjoy - yet out there in other parts of the world there are people who are struggling just to live, without food or water, without proper clothes nor shelter... being exposed the the elements or living a life plague by violence, all these things that we all take for granted and whine or envious about when we do not have, what's their meaning? what's their value? how can we even justify living a life of excesses when there are others out there who could not help themselves even if they wanted to (nature faces the same predicament)? Have been thinking about this since in Australia... and wanted to do so during the tsunami aftermath... To become a volunteer or work in aid missions overseas where the human face of unpretentious truth comes to bare on the people, where a well-meant smile is so much easily given and received than in this place where i am now... i see the people walking by on the streets, civilised but could not care less about their surroundings other then their own needs (i'm not talking about everyone, but i simply shook my head twice seeing two incidents of blatant littering from where i was seated on the bus) - no wonder singaporeans had become such a country of couldn't-be-bothered citizens who demands alot, yet could not show gracious thanks when situations warrants it... we're even more backward in that sense then the common less well-off people in developing countries like vietnam.

Not too sure yet how i'll start, but depending on circumstances, may go full-time into relief work once my contract ends. Have just volunteered myself for Mercy Relief and hope to do some meaningful things soon... to help those who are really in need much more than you and me, much more than the average singaporean. I know if i go, i'll be leaving many behind, but will it be like when i left for Australia... without much a goodbye from frens close to me? The hardest will be for my mum, and i still owe them much debt from my overseas studies... i know mum loves me most, yet, after what had happened i could never talk nor look at her the same anymore, eventhough she was sorry that things had come to such a state... and i never blamed her though its difficult to convince her otherwise... and if so i decided to go, i cannot imagine how she'll take it... but i gotta go if i feels so... i need to find myself, my true meaning in life, and perhaps if fate finally decides so - my understanding of real happiness. I feel that somehow, i don't belong to this place anymore, could not understand the present mindset of singaporeans, and that our society had somehow become one where innocent happiness of simple things cannot be felt or is enough for anyone now... This is no longer the first time i've taken a blind leap of faith into the unknown, when at crossroads... Sometimes, loving one too much can be detrimental for both...

One would wonder, why embark on these two seemingly contradicting paths? Aren't they suppose to lead in opposite directions? Well, yes and no. If i manage to court back BB, then i wouldn't be able to go on overseas missions. Yet, with the way things are right now between her and me, all i can have is a fool's hope and heart, and try. I might not even be sure if i can go for overseas missions, and thence lie the seemingly incomprehensible crossroads i am right now. I take one step at a time and try to see as far as i can... and believe.

This is not a sad post. Abit depressive - yes, but just to illustrate how it had shown me new light, perhaps on a new path towards my happiness? Be glad for me, for now i've begun on yet another journey to find myself, to do something more meaningful with my life than to simply talk about it, and hopefully experience and understand happiness :)

Another soulful nice song...

2005-10-13T23:48:00.000+08:00

Hoobastank - The Reason

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things i wish i didn't do
But i continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so i have to say before i go
That i just want you to know

I've found the reason for me
To change who i used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I'm sorry that i hurt you
It's something i must live with everyday
And all the pain i put you through
I wish that i could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why i need you to hear

I've found the reason to me
To change who i used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you (4)

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so i have to say before i go
That i just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who i used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that i do
And the reason is you

======================================

My friends will always be my friends, no matter what.

There's just too much things i wish i had done, rather then
being too hesitant and didn't do.

We all continue learning.

Hard to improve timings...

2005-10-12T23:30:00.000+08:00

I think at least now i'm gettin better at swimming, though still not too good yet. Monday i must've seen the swimming pool clock wrong... really dun think we toom 35 mins to swim 750!! Well, today and friday Dinu won't be swimmin, so i'll be alone at Bt Batok again. The pool at BB was great if not for the chemicals... good pool for swimmin though the overpowering chlorine hurts my eyes like hell (i dun swim wif goggles)! But at least i improved 1 minute today... did breasttroke 750 in 24 mins, did somemore up to 1km total, then did 600 in freestyle in 18 mins!!! Hopefully event day in the sea can at least do something similar...

Okay, can't do much work now, and work in office is piling up too since last week... and looks set to be even worse come CGW... 2 more meeting minutes waiting to write, report on site visit today urgent, forgot to send reminder for Techy C. tomorrow, eyes still hurting, LPS lah, etc etc etc etc etc...

Life's like dat. Take care ya! Koonngzzz............

Meaning of our lives...

2005-10-08T14:32:00.000+08:00

The meaning of people's lives is a strange and often un-thought off kind of thing. Most of my friends would say just enjoy life and see where it takes them - which is not wrong, but are the missing something that they could really look back and say they've strove for, near the end of their lives?

Being happy though, i've to confess, is one of the basic goals that not everyone in this world can get to achieve.

My dreams are simple, and i've thought of it for so long, almost through my life. My purpose, is to fulfill what i truly believe i'm here in this world for... to make up for my past. I must be really torturous to nature then hahaha. So now i've turned to a nature lover, conservationist, environmentalist, still being the idealist that i can change the world. Crazy thought, but hey, i'm proud enough to say i've actually given it a shot, against the many criticsim of others. Well, maybe i'm just plain stubborn. Hahaha.

The meaning of my life, as again i truly believe, is to make this world a better place, both for nature, and for the people around, however contradictory it may seem. And yes, i've tried. Being a volunteer that shares my ideals, my thoughts and dreams, and make them BELIEVE, that this world could, and would, be a much better place if only we all try, however little each individual effort it may be, like a drop in the ocean. But then, it takes drops of water to make one ocean, and therefore, so long as we all try and never give up, one day we will make one ocean, even if it may be our grandchildren's grandchildren who will be the ones to see it happen. That, is the meaning of my life. And i've to do it with the 3 Hs - Head, Hands and Heart.

True, many a times i do get really down, and confused if it's all worth the efforts and strain. Afterall, it's all my own personal beliefs, and i could well be wrong my whole life. And there are times when i would be saddened, and fall down along the sides, thinking, this is such a hard and difficult journey in itself. Am i to walk it all alone? Are there anyone who'll walk beside me, to share my life, all the ups and downs, understanding me and living our lives walking the path together? Or is it destined that this is a path i must walk alone like so many others did? Or, is this path simply as what it is right from the beginning, a DREAM, and that eventually, should i decide not to be alone anymore, and walk the normal road with a love hand in hand, thru our lives? And leave the life i had lived for, behind...

Crossroads... its a difficult place to be and scary one to contemplate our lives at.

Happiness. It comes easily to some, and it never appears for others. I had my share of it. It comes most easily to one who is so young and innocent, as a wonderous child might be. Bless all the children of the world, for they see the life around with the purest eyes and minds, without corruption by all the grownup things we battle through each day. I can never say for sure if i really understand happiness, or experienced it. No one really knows for sure, but i believe there are many kinds of happiness. And happiness to me, is seeing the family and friends around me, happily living through their lives without much worry, the nature thriving with all its greens and creatures in the dynamic environments, the world to be peaceful, without much unneeded hunger nor thirst, no wars, no strife, no unnecessary evils. To have my family and friends happy for who i am, my living of my dreams to make it reality, my hand holding my other half's, so in love and being loved, hands, hearts and mind together, living our lives never apart nor too far from each other, to see our children into this world, and see the world as it really is, untainted, and see them grow up to fine young adults ready to start their own lives and carry our cherished memories thru theirs, and their children and more... that is my happiness. So eventhough it may seem that i depend on others for my happiness, in truth, it's my own happiness i'm shaping... coz it takes more than just me to have and share that kind of happiness. Maybe then, we will really come to understand what it means to be happy :)

Negativity and delusions are not good, but they teach us what we really should be searching for, and cherish the meaningful positives in our lives that we've taken for granted. We all fall down sometimes, and, depending on each of us, have to learn to pick ourselves up again either alone, or with the help of family and friends. And i'm glad to have stood up again, and would like to help others up as well... hmm... that's another purpose of my life i guess... be a friend as much as i could and be there when they needed (if only they tell me!!!).

There's no guarantee i'll not fall down again, and being lost in the negative pits of darkness again. But i know for sure, i'll have to, and will, get myself up again. Any friends there for me will be my blessings :)

Have u experienced happiness, or thought of being happy today? Let the past go and keep the cherished memories. We will find and understand happiness again, someday. So... if you've not tried to be happy today, SMILE!!! :) and i give u my blessings... coz it's my heartfelt wish that you'll be.

May u be cheerful and happy always ;)

New start - nice song by Alex To

2005-10-06T00:09:00.000+08:00

Music r moods the the soul, like food for the hungry. Since good food will satiate the palate of a person (darn... now i feel like eating yummy food liao), nice songs will often soothe and rejuvenate the soul.

N of coz... happy songs to make happy people :P

Okay, i shan't go R(a) and talk about loving songs 0_O

hiak hiak hiak!!!

Here's one by Alex To (in trad. chinese though), no matter if meanings of the verse doesn't apply to me... nice song, enjoy n b happy :)

杜德偉 - 彩虹

愛了就別偽裝　迷失了也別徬徨
不管未來怎樣　你都要保持堅強
如果明天你的心　依然還在流浪
我愿意承受這份愛　陪著你
打造一片天地

我的世界從此以後多了一個你
每天都是一齣戲
無論情節浪漫或多離奇
這主角　是你

我的世界從此以後多了一個你
有時天晴有時雨
陰天時候我會告訴你
我愛你　勝過彩虹的美麗

愛了就別偽裝　迷失了也別徬徨
不管未來怎樣　你都要保持堅強
如果明天你的心　依然還在流浪
我愿意承受這份愛　陪著你
打造一片天地

我的世界從此以後多了一個你
每天都是一齣戲
無論情節浪漫或多離奇
這主角　是你

我的世界從此以後多了一個你
有時天晴有時雨
陰天時候我會告訴你
我愛你　勝過彩虹的美麗

我的世界從此以後多了一個你
每天都是一齣戲
無論情節浪漫或多離奇
這主角　是你

我的世界從此以後多了一個你
有時天晴有時雨
陰天時候我會告訴你
我愛你　勝過彩虹的美麗

okie. time to zzzzzzzzzzzz.........................

Happi

2005-10-05T23:45:00.000+08:00

Just re-discovered one of the basic ways to be and remain happy... 7 - 8 hours of good uninterrupted sleep!!! Makes me feel so re-charged of energy and so much easier to smile :)
Can't remember the last few times i had it since yesterday hahaha.

Hmm... have now been training for my swimming relay bit for sometime, now at Delta swimmin complex ever since training with Dinu (who's also doin the swimming relay for her team) coz it's not as far as where she's stayin den Bt Batok, and since it's also closer to Office, can finish swimmin earlier and have time for Kopi (or Becks') nearby.

Training with someone who is a real fantastic swimmer does so much to improve den swimming alone. And Dinu is one such who used to swim competitively... hard to imagine still! hahaha. At least my timing for 750m have reduced from 40mins to 35mins, then 28mins and today at 25mins. Hoping to break the 20mins barrier before 22nd Oct event! So much better, did 1.5km total today... :)

Okay... have finally decided to make a resolution today. I've known for a long time now that almost all my blogs this year had been rather -gative. Soo..... from now, every time i post something not-so-nice, i'll have to post something good i really feel great about, and more if i can. Balance abit hahaha. Hope to replace wif all happi blogs someday in future. At least one thing i learnt from bb is, that one must be happy for oneself. And if i'm happy, those around me will be too! Thanks bb, and Cheers to u :)

And of coz, Cheerz to everyone 2!!!

re-org of my frame of mind

2005-10-04T01:00:00.000+08:00

shld try n not think too much now... just hope all will turn out good and well for bb. She deserves better, not someone who screws up his own life.

time to get on with it. jus wish we could still be frens.

may u be blessed.

Mizu no Akashi - Token of Water

2005-10-03T00:28:00.000+08:00

Rie Tanaka

Mizu no Akashi - Token of Water (English Translation)

The night is wavering in the water
The greening shore is so still and silent
That it is sad

If only I could wait
For a beautiful dawn
With a pure heart...

Who told me that
There is a land without any conflicts
Beyond the dark seas and skies?
No one can reach that land,
Or perhaps it only exists in someone's heart

A melody that can quench the thirst
Of the land that calms the waters' flow
Even if it does not exist anywhere right now,
I will come to possess it
Always, someday, for sure

Let the token of water be in my hands
Even after engulfing all the flames,
It still continues to flow, gently and broadly
I will reach its tranquility
Always, someday, for sure
With your hand in mine...

Song By Styx

2005-10-03T00:10:00.000+08:00

"show me the way"

Every night i say a prayer, in the hopes that there's a heaven
And every day i'm more confused, as the saints turn into sinners
All the heroes and legends i knew as a child, have fallen to idols of clay
And i feel this empty place inside, so afraid i've lost my faith

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight, to the river and wash my illusions away
Show me the way

And as i slowly drift to sleep, for a moment dreams are sacred
I close my eyes, and know there's peace, in a world so filled with hatred
That i wake up each morning and turn on the news, to find we've so far to go
And i keep on hoping for a sign, so afraid that i just won't know

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the mountain and take my confusion away
show me the way

And if i see a light, should i believe
Tell me how will i know

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river and wash my illusions away
Show me the way, show me the way
Give me the strength and the courage
To believe i'll get there someday
Show me the way

And every night i say a prayer, in the hopes that there's a heaven...

Pray not for thyself
pray for others
For the world is a whole lot sadder
then my world had ever been
i've seen much, but there's still alot i've not
so i'll just keep on tryin, and build this heaven for others
not with saints nor clay celestial gods, but my own will and shodden two hands

life changes...

2005-10-02T14:21:00.000+08:00

i guess people in this world do change. afterall, when i try to look at myself and see how its like, say, 12 years ago, gosh... i am not the same person anymore. neither can i think how i could be like i was again.

being myself again like i was all these while...

means...

- back to being on my own again, depending just on myself for emotional support
- thinking no one could help me but myself (real stupid idea i know, but...)
- losing faith
- losing heart
- anguish at how i could be like this all these years, at how i have become
- disbelieving my place in others, coz... afterall that's what i had been made to feel
- quick to dispair, quick to let go, to switch my focus on other things to forget
- yet still, the pain comes back sometimes, in the darkest hour, when i'm as usual alone, with people around but solitary amongst the crowd and activity... in mind and heart

coz it's hard to let go of some things, and i need someone to have patience, to show me the way, to be there for me, and thru it all, understand me, and make me believe in myself, in others, again...

when i'm down, the only way to stand up again is to fight against the odds... a process by which i'll lose others faith in myself

and i remember the words from "Credo" by Joyce Carey:

The truth is that life is hard and dangerous;
That he who seeks his own happiness does not find it;
That he who is weak must suffer;
That he who is greedy will not be fed;
That he who demands love, will not find it;
That he who seeks peace, will find strife;
That truth is only for the brave;
That joy is for him who does not fear to be alone;
That life is for the one who is not afraid to die.

And so many times, i've always wanted to seek dangerous thrills and crazy stunts on mountain hiking trips... so many times i see the edge of cliffs, so easy to just put my foot out unto nothingness... but no courage to do so on my own. wish i'm more accident-prone, just to see how long and how far i can push myself living this life.

the most extreme end of the bottomless pit, is when i have nothing left inside, yet be as normal, cool and chirpy on the outside where everyone sees, like an empty decorated bottle. coz that's when i'm down in the bottom of the pit and no one knows enough to help pull me up... and its hard enough to even try by myself to feel the slippery walls, and crawl towards the light. and i just look normal on the outside until that becomes what i am... being myself... a hollow shell.

no need to change myself for others...
when changing myself with the help of others makes me a happier person, fills my life more, and living my life to the fullest for myself and for others… for our happiness together…
now, should I still be my old self?
I’ve just found my smile back, and now I may be losing it again, hopefully not…

so... what's the the world like now?

i don't wanna slip back to the bottom of the pit again, been there too many times.

Gotta hang on with all i've got, every last bit of life...

the more i know and go thru, the less i understand...
trying to re-think my place in this world...
maybe baobei is right, that i'm still not ready yet,
and maybe now the longer i walk this path, the less i can comprehend...
don't know if i'm ready for anything, anymore...

just be my own lone self again, and just let the rest of the world past by...
not much energy left after many tries, all spent...
tired and weary, life playing itself out...

Just an update...

2005-10-02T02:14:00.000+08:00

Haiz... turns out all the trouble was caused by me alone... misunderstood my mum's intentions, and see how things had turned out...

now that we're back to right at zero, will be frens first and see how things will turn out... no regrets. but had to let her, and my heart, go in order to feel less emotional grieve - else i'll just be a wretched being. so now, i dun feel much for anything. Zombied again?

sounds alot like this song by Williams Brothers:

I'm going to live my life
Like every day's my last
Without a simple good-bye
It all goes by so fast

And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

I'm going to open my eyes
And see for the first time
I've let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite

There it goes up in the sky
There it goes beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

I'm going to look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is just an empty chair

And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

There it goes up in the sky
There it goes beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

maybe somehow i couldn't really express to others how i feel inside...
all too deep and buried

but at least i've let go of myself now...

still... sometimes when i wake up and all i could think off is baobei...

wat have i done.......

2005-09-27T15:11:00.000+08:00

the vagaries of life...

i really really love my baobei... and i love my mum too. haiz...

wish i could mend the wrongs i've done...

sorry... dun b angry baobei... k... its tearing me apart coz i can't live without u...

another gone in the world today, thru the bus glass window

2005-08-21T01:21:00.000+08:00

along Upper Bt Timah rd on a bus today on my way to MacRitchie, passed by the junction of Assumption English Sch. There, was 2 police cars, a lorry, and a body tent beside the lorry.

and i thot to myself... shit. another gone.

and as the bus continued on, passing the church after the school, i looked at it and thought quietly to whoever their god are:

bless the person's soul... the family and frens. bless the person be reborn to a better life, somewhere, sometime... for this ain't no world for the poorly-hearted, the unfriended, and the unloved.

Silence of Solitude.

The joy is gone, the smile lost. Heart beating only to prolong the remains of what the numbed spirit left.

And the rest of the world fades away.. into a blurred silent background, confusion of incomprehensible visions and light, and darkness, into insignificance.

and all is silent...

about my workplace

2005-08-21T01:02:00.000+08:00

will get myself killed in my Org. one of these days...

with a boss like that? i don't give a damn. am waiting for that day...

a fren of mine at work i couldn't really understand, and i still dunno if we're jus colleagues or frens. can never figure out how we could never have a proper conversation. i give what i can, but she nvr asks of me, just what have i or could i have given.

doesn't matter anymore. now weary of joining them for anything, most times felt like a piece of glass, non-existant. yup, they'll just keep on chatty among themselves, happy people. my fault too, never had anything to say. guess i don't belong with them.

where am i???

2005-08-02T00:17:00.000+08:00

do i really belong wif arbor frens, or wif parks frens? sometimes i feel i belong to neither, or nowhere. perhaps everyone's too busy now with their own things, or is it just an excuse for feeling this way?

a fren once said, that i'll make more good frens once i begin work, and for once shook off that condemned feeling and believed her. at for the first few weeks it really felt like i've made new frens who wants to make me belong. another said, that often lunch was preferred as a group together, but i must take the initiative sometimes and ask them for lunch. dis i did, but now no one can, and the same frens no longer ask. all too busy i guess. just when i thought i've finally got to someplace to start anew, the old feeling came creeping back.

a fren said that at times i've gotta reach out to others and make myself more accessible. i did, and i probably didn't do enough, but there's only so much i can do. coz they no longer reach for me. and the fren said in that case just let things be. sometimes really feel like leaving to start somewhere again, though since i'm the condemn problem, anywhere's the same. or go overseas again to start a new life by myself? coz everytime i come back, things didn't turn out right. wouldn't know if that's good or bad, jus dunno how long i can last.

arbor or parks? or neither? sometimes it takes alot of heart, trying to keep a smile feeling like a total outsider among friends whom i regard as friends. how far more will i go? dunno, just takin each day as it comes....

Let it be (Beatles)

2005-07-30T00:49:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i have to keep reminding myself... again and again... but that's life for me.

"Let it be" by The Beatles.

When i find myself in times of trouble
Mother mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be... let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be... yeah let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be... let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be... yeah let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be... yeah let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be... yeah let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

Just like to say, i'm not a Christian. This song typifies the times when i feel the need to be strong and just face whatever that is wrought upon, with a fool's courage.

A real fool indeed, sometimes.

a nice song... 至少還有你 (林憶蓮)

2005-07-24T20:26:00.000+08:00

我怕來不及我要抱著你
直到感覺你的皺紋有了歲月的痕跡
直到肯定你是真的
直到失去力氣為了你我願意

動也不能動也要看著你
直到感覺你的髮線有了白雪的痕跡
直到視線變得模糊直到不能呼吸
讓我們形影不離

如果全世界我也可以放棄
至少還有你值得我去珍惜
而你在這裡就是生命的奇蹟
也許全世界我也可以忘記
就是不願意失去你的消息
你掌心的痣我總記得在那裡

我怕來不及我要抱著你
直到感覺你的髮線有了白雪的痕跡
直到視線變得模糊直到不能呼吸
讓我們形影不離

如果全世界我也可以放棄
至少還有你值得我去珍惜
而你在這裡就是生命的奇蹟
也許全世界我也可以忘記
就是不願意失去你的消息
你掌心的痣我總記得在那裡

我們好不容易我們身不由己
我怕時間太快不夠將你看仔細
我怕時間太慢日夜擔心失去你
恨不得一夜之間白頭永不分離

如果全世界我也可以放棄
至少還有你值得我去珍惜
而你在這裡就是生命的奇蹟
也許全世界我也可以忘記
就是不願意失去你的消息
你掌心的痣我總記得在那裡

在那裡...

Realization

2005-07-20T22:15:00.000+08:00

Question to the stranger...

why do i put so much into my work? do i really love what i do? giving my best into whatever task i own? helping to pick up on slack of my superiors? spending so much time in office???

among the many other reasons at my disposal, most of which are probably true:

nice way to phrase it -

i take absolute pride in giving my best standard of work, regardless of what others opined, hence lay upon myself the responsibility to see things through, and feel duty-bound as an employee to make sure the organisation runs smooth where and when i have the ability to oil it.

honestly critical way to put it -

am accumulating negative feelings and reasons to quit the organisation when i can put up no longer, and leaving all the frustrations behind. hands and legs will make sure i won't starve before realising my dream, so i will keep on movin.

Revelation.

THIS is a job, Not a career, and certainly NOT my dream future.

watch closely the ticking timebomb's last stroke...

learning to let go

2005-07-19T00:38:00.000+08:00

that humans have an innate emotion of selfishness is a fact of life. no matter how it is debated that when a baby is born, he/she is born naked, clean, with none of the common sins that so apparently plague as one gets older. my argument? any infant or child always have their fist half-closed at any time. put your finger or anything near and they'll grab it.

as people say, the longer you've seen life, the more aware you'll be of the rights and wrongs in life, and everything in-between though they may still lay hidden under some nook or cranny, ready to spring a surprise on you when least expected. perhaps that may only be true for the growing youth, when they are slowly released from the shackles of a protectionist first decades and embracing an adult world, or someone who is having a helluva time getting more of what he/she desires, be it freedom, attention, riches or power. now what about wisdom?

for much of the common people (if "common" is the word to use), the longer they stay on this planet, the more they let go off. now why do i say that? because of experience - the black n blue bruises accumulated from the school of hard knocks. a person who gone thru several crushes and ill-matched relationships learns to let go of past attachments, an entrepreneur who had enough of losing money in businesses learns to take more calculated risks while letting go of negative feelings of loss, a family man who had to bid farewell to older relations and frens that had passed learns that time with loved onces is more precious than material things once letting go of the sadness, just like one loses their hair and touch with their surrounding as they, like many before, lets go of life that will burn out in time to come.

i haven't been too long on this planet, at least not in this life. still, had my fair share of loss, of childhood playtimes, of lost adolescent, friendships (not totally though, which i had realised) and relationships, told or kept. all that had made me realise the more one holds on to a belief which others did not really treasure, or simply did not realise, disappointment is the ultimate endpoint. still, like many a surprise that you'd thought you've had a handle on but still springs unexpectly, i've learnt to let go of one of the greatest belief i had ever had. the belief in my angel. that had happened months ago, long-held (10 years at least?), but that story's been all said and told. and now, as i yet stumble on still at the beginnings of a new life, i've still to let go of the believes that things will work out for me this time. however, it's getting there. i won't say more on friendships. of relationships... well... i think it's finally time to let go of any, which are only existant in my own head and heart anyway. like a new-friend of my at work said "if things are the way they come, and doesn't appear to go the way you want it no matter what is tried, then just let it be... take it with a pinch of salt and let go".

yes. it's "letting go" time again, and just take things as it is...

Life 2

2005-06-29T09:01:00.000+08:00

the greatest competition one has is personal limitations, physically and mentally
and my greatest enemy is thyself.

all the fears and frustrations, are borne of own heart and soul, and to have them to thyself is to make do with them, coz who's willing to share?

strength to bear with demons, and will to go on, has to come from knowing i'm on my own, and i'm my only support. and hands and legs are now tired, finally.

destiny i hold in my hands, my life left to fate. lets see how far i can be made to trevass the line before something up there decide its finally time to lay this spent life to rest.

putting in too much overtime at work?

truth is, would rather be with frens... but they have their own frens, own things to do. am jus a lesser fren, jus somebody at workplace, so i'm on my own to fill my own time.

I'm with you

2005-06-17T08:19:00.000+08:00

I'm Standing on a bridge
I'm waitin in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
Theres nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but theres no sound

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
but I... I'm with you

i'm looking for a place
searching for a face
is anybody here i know
cause nothings going right
and everythigns a mess
and no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
rying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
but I... I'm with you

oh why is everything so confusing
maybe I'm just out of my mind
yea yea yea

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
i don't know who you are
but I... I'm with you

Take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
but I... I'm with you, I'm with you

Take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
but I... I'm with you
I'm with you, I'm with you...

"I'm with you" by Avril Lavigne

crossing the Gates...

2005-06-16T08:14:00.000+08:00

... life has not been right for years...

that's what made me strong in mind and body,
but weak in heart and spirit...

i can only think of one other creature that comes close... that's right, a zombie.

thankfully i still have a heart and spirit which a zombie doesn't,
for i can feel hurt and pain... and joy and happiness...

for they remind me that i'm still human...

Chapter 1

2005-06-15T00:27:00.000+08:00

Toyu, a sleepy village near the edge of a wood by the lakes, crisp baby wailings were heard and celebrated to a small family. The father, a boat craftsman and occasional ironsmith, held the baby with a quiet pride while the mother, on a bed stained with sweat and blood from the birth, weak from the effort, had her face lit with a smile filled with joy. They named him Kay, after one of his forebears who had gone into legend in the small village in bygone ages.

In the town of Han, a similar scene is taking place. The businessman father excitingly hugging his teacher wife, surrounded by two younger girls, eagerly calling and giggling to each other at the newest addition to the family. They called the baby girl Maia, the same as the wife's well-loved grandmother and had recently passed.

Don't be confused...

2005-06-14T23:22:00.000+08:00

A fren of mine from workplace was rather confused by something... and i say, "don't... you're not confused, so don't be too bothered".

there are colleagues who can only remain as colleagues, and some who can and do become great frens, and some colleagues who wished to be frens, and some (though extremely few) who'd rather draw the line at being colleagues.

to those who are surround by great frens, it should not matter that one or two unfamiliar colleagues should remain as just that. to those who had no support from close frens for years, no one to really confide or share time with, every stage of their lives when they build up fragile courage and let go of past baggage to start afresh, it will not be surprising that it mattered, cos every perceived failure to be included makes the person retreats further and strengthen his belief that again, he had hit a brick wall, either to escape from again or that he's better off by himself and not a burden to others.

for my case, i believe, i'm just a colleague to many, if not all. however, because i understand that friendship is something given without expecting anything in return - not sought, i will do what i can as a friend for them and treat them as such, unless it causes unnecessary burden on them (which i'll only know if they tell me straight) - for to me they're my friends no matter how one-sided it is. sometimes, just a little show of kindness will go a very long way for me who had not received much in the past years, although at times i still fall into the trap of thinking kindness means more friendship... and spending much difficulty to get that out of my head.

of course, too long a time not having a friendship circle to interactive with may make a person out of touch and cause misunderstandings with his way of communication, and make things worse when all he's doing is trying to be a friend.

ultimately, what matters most to me are that my friends are happy and well, even if i can only watch from the sidelines... cos when they are happy, i'm happy and glad for them... how i feel inside, even if not able to share the happiness with them, does not matter... cos it had not mattered to most of my friends for years who had come and gone, too many times i've started anew only to find myself back to square one... still, life goes on... and everyone will always remain my friend...

and to this fren of mine, i say: "let not confusion rein nor be too bothered by it... and pls don't lose sleep over it. just be yourself and stay cheerful always. that, i'm sure, will make any well-meaning frens or colleagues happy." (",)

Some sayings

2005-06-14T23:14:00.000+08:00

"the ultimate damnation of a living person's soul, is the condemnation he brings upon himself, his inability to stop the progressively self-building of mental stonewall around him, and the open-eyed blindness of his perception in his interaction with the world around him."

psykror7

life lessons so far...

2005-06-14T00:14:00.000+08:00

Nature...

the wind across my face made me open my eyes

the tapping rain brought me the sense of touch and coolness

the wetness on the dark brown bark and dark green grasses showed me rich exuberance...

both the drooping flowers and rainbow painted a tapestry of colours, pastel against grey

the running stream jingled crystal-clear to my hearing

sparrows chirpping made me aware of their presence

black-naped orioles flittered yellow across the dancing foliage, song lifting spirits

the earth smelt musty

giving life to both tiny creatures and parasol mushroom caps...

a green whip snake had taught me fright, as much as to itself

the yellow dancing lady orchids that saw it laughed in delight and jest

morning mist the jasmine fields blooms and caressed with her fragrance

as mother delicately plucks them into a gathering cloth

stories of time past and toil, she says, and that one day i too will tell...

of the trees they taught me patience

and the grasses resilience and joy

of the fishes and shrimps a whole new world that stays wetter then raindrops

the drought that desperate thirst for precious water and unrelenting heat

of the snake a certain mysterious sleekness and hidden self

and our cat the feeling of being wanted and sleeping with shedded fur...

tbc...

all those head-bangin

2005-06-14T00:11:00.000+08:00

gotta stop bangin against the wall

lettin myself confused by the fog around

have to make sense of all the pieces

and seek out my direction to move forward

... x3

2005-06-12T17:55:00.000+08:00

gone in search of my inner peace...

be right back... i think ;)

..... x2

2005-06-11T22:01:00.000+08:00

strange feelin... that frens r somehow less friendly then before... haiz.

will history repeat itself yet again? guess i'm not accepted as part of the circle, jus an outsider like it was in times past. well, just take things as it comes... if anything comes at all. my retribution.

hope everyone stays well and happy though, coz it's the shared friendship between them that keeps everyone together.

finally get to watch Princess Mononoke :)

jus need to find some takers for my "Friends" collection..

.......

2005-06-09T21:10:00.000+08:00

must be getting abit tired liao, haiz...

shitz... diarrhoea whole day... feels burnt out... time to refuel.

a fren of mine will be goin Sri Lanka 2molo in search of her inner peace. wish her safe journey and to enjoy the trip.

to reach out and offer a hand...

2005-06-06T21:45:00.000+08:00

Next to Family and Relationships, Friendships are the most important thing one could not do without. All three are about the same level in importance... one could survive on just one or two of it, though if that one or two are ultimately lost, the person's world would simply be plunged into darkness as if falling thru a bottomless pit.

A person who have close friends willing to be there thru sun and rain, is to be really fortunate. For a person who achieves much in life only to have no one share the joy with is nothing but a hollow shell no matter how resilient. But for a person who enjoys the simple living surrounded by well-meaning friends that think nothing of sharing laughter and tears together is the happiest person in the world. For he who knows not loneliness, knows not emptiness.

To me, these long years have made friendships even more precious. Many a people have said that as one passes through life's stages, the current group of friends tend to change.

I'm really lucky that i've come to know friends at my current stage of life. It may not seem like anything special to most, but for someone who led a forsaken living for years, my new friendships are like a heaven-sent. True friendships are more than i could ever wished for: it was on the trip to Fraser's Hill that, after so many years as far as i could remember, i truly felt that i mattered to my friends... able to share the laughter n tough walks together, thru the sun and rain and finally sit around dinner like we were family. It was a short trip, but one that made me feel i belonged and part of them, which i really missed since sec. sch times. Nothing could ever describe my gratitude and happiness i owed to them. The best i could do is to be all that a good friend could be. And if they do likewise in return, then i am truly blessed.

Of cos, the least i should do is to be happy :) Thanks all.

hmm...

2005-06-04T00:14:00.000+08:00

just had dinner with god-sis n her bfren... maybe she's right. i've really have to open up more and let go of the emotional baggage, smile more and try be a happier person.

thankful still have her as someone i can really talk to n get support from. hope she'll find a great job she really likes soon! *bor-pi bor-pi...

*pray pray omitofo :P

psycho lies here......... tired and weary...

2005-06-02T21:14:00.000+08:00

broken soul in need of mending
not walled-in by ignorance and neglect, especially from friends

will anyone try, because they care enough and truly believe in me,
feel beyond the mask i wear, and touch gently the scarred face beneath?

am i worth anyone's while to reach into dying flames
and be picked up from the ashes of hurt, of abandonment and self-destruction?

try as i might to break down the walls of silence as quick as i build them
feels getting slower and weaker, as energies and faith drains away from the efforts

courage sought from within, support and understanding yearned from those around, still,
ultimately all i find accompanying the daunting path with me is the friend called loneliness...

"Find the way" by Nakashima Mika, fron Gundam Seed, in english

Why do you, with your small hands,
try to carry all these wounds on your back?
It isn't for any one person's sake, please don't lose sight of that
Why am I, while hesitating,
unable to escape?
What I hope for is the sun, the sun to light the way...

Find the way
Though in this glowing cosmos our hands can't quite reach
We depend on only our resounding love
Because at the end of the path we've traveled we'll find the light
You'll find the way

You said, "I had a long dream...
It was a very sad dream,
but what I saw wasn't one bit clouded..."
I said, "It's okay to cry,
because I'll stay by your side no matter what."
What I wish for is a hand, a hand to reach up to me...

Find the way
Even without words, even without wings to fly on
As long as we stand our ground in the wind
Even if we're the first ones afflicted with this pain...

Giving an answer surely isn't everything
I'll be patient, it's all right, and so are you...

Find the way
Though in this glowing cosmos our hands can't quite reach
We depend on only our resounding love
Because at the end of the path we've traveled we'll find the light
Find the way
Even without words, even without wings to fly on
As long as we stand our ground in the wind
At the end of the path we've traveled we finally saw the light...
You'll find the way

someone, sing this song for me... am tired and weary from the journey.......

the pressure-cooker life

2005-04-27T23:13:00.000+08:00

been too busy to blog lately, heck... wanna write testinomial to fren's frenster also couldn't grab the time.

work is slowly piling up... was using work as an outlet to keep myself busy, to think less of some things... and i have to admit it does work quite abit.

still... much as i face upfront the challenges of increasing workload and shifting up afew gears, sometimes i do wonder how much i take on is too much... am i driving myself too far? am i going to the extremes to test where my limits lie, and to see if i can break thru beyond? i take on the challenges to toughen myself... will i finally crash down exhausted? much as i dun expect anyone to care; though i really wish to be touched by frens who show they really cared, will they truly care? i know i've no right to doubt them, cos i certainly dun deserve their care if i as much as harbour an iota of skepticism, but after so much that had happened how much can i give my faith in others again... if i've any left at all now that i've gave so much away?

questions questions quiestions... best is not to think so much at all.

LY hasn't been replying my sms for sometime. hope she's doing fine and well, in her studies, relationship, nursing attachment, family and frens. bless her n her life. will see if i can call her sometime.

童话... 光良

2005-04-16T22:49:00.000+08:00

忘了有多久
再沒聽到你
對我說你最愛的故事

我想了很久
我開始慌了
是不是我又做錯了甚麼

你哭著對我說
童話裡都是騙人的
我不可能是你的王子
也許你不會懂
從你說愛我以後
我的天空星星都亮了

我願變成童話裡
你愛的那個天使
張開雙手變成翅膀守護你
你要相信
相信我們會像童話故事裡
幸福和快樂是結局

你哭著對我說
童話裡都是騙人的
我不可能是你的王子
也許你不會懂
從你說愛我以後
我的天空星星都亮了

我要變成童話裡
你愛的那個天使
張開雙手
變成翅膀守護你
你要相信
相信我們會像童話故事裡
幸福和快樂是結局

我會變成童話裡
你愛的那個天使
張開雙手
變成翅膀守護你
你要相信
相信我們會像童話故事裡
幸福和快樂是結局
一起寫我們的結局

Celebration within

2005-04-16T22:44:00.000+08:00

It has finally happened... LY n KW r now a couple! :D Since 8th April last friday :D

Feels so happy for her, hearing her thots when in the begining flushes of relationship..

So that ends one of my stories... now one of the knots has finally untied. Real glad.

:D

My thanks to a fren

2005-04-11T00:44:00.000+08:00

been thru quite abit lately, and though i cannot say i'm back to being the bubbly cheerful guy afew years back, i can be sure i'm at least better now. This has come about very much by the help of a fren, who made some of my social life more fulfilling n treated me like a fren.

dun know if she'll see this, but if u do, i owe u one big Thanks! :) Maybe u dun realise it, or maybe u know it, but u certainly made my life much better, and i'm glad for that. Always great to feel like a friend. I hope her career directions will have a turn for the better soon. Go Lianz go! All the best!

DeSeNsItIzE

2005-04-03T02:41:00.000+08:00

Desensitize: the opposite of sensitize.
Sensitize: to make sensitive (Oxford 6th Ed.)

To lose or reduce one's sense or senses, either through physical pain-hardening or mental thought. The climax as the ultimate high while cutting oneself, the feeling of exhilaration or happiness while bleeding oneself dry.

If one is willing to give one's all in support of a fren's happiness that does not involve oneself, praying every single day that fren and her fren will be blissfully together always, coz one is fren's good fren, helping give advise n lending ear to fren. And yet by doing so every time is tearing away at one's heart n soul, but one cannot just go in case fren will need one's friendship. So in the end, one can only give his care n concern n time, giving away pieces without replacement n making sure fren is happy. The only way to do so is to desensitize oneself, to give happily without showing hurt nor pain, until all is gone n nothing left except an empty skeleton. Double-edged sword b'cos desensitize may also remove one's sensory ability not just towards fren, but may also towards other frens as well.

Happiness while bleeding oneself dry, all that's left an empty shell.

Happy for her... :)

2005-03-17T23:37:00.000+08:00

jus had a chat wif the angel (hereon will introduce her as LY). her guy had flown off today to india for NS training and eventhough she had not formally accepted him as her boyfriend, she woke up crying today knowing he's leaving, and will not be receiving his sms and calls to wake her up and asking of her for 19 days.

ah... she is finally falling in love again. :) Now that i've let go of her, i know there never was any real chance for me. Her guy had all the opportunities, being her former classmate and always going out as a group, able to send her and her frens anywhere they like wif his private transport, and all the advantages of accessibility. Sure i'm a little jealous, but then i too am really happy for him, for it is his time. There's simply too little possibilities then that LY will go out with me however i tried, and too easy for him to cajole her out for meals, to be there for her and the like. But then, it's not my time... yet.

It's still hard chatting wif her over the phone, listening to her heartfelt yearnings and times with him and her friends, and suppressing the feelings within myself the close friendships and relationships i've gone without over the years, and not knowing when i'll have again. But i definitely wish the both of them well, and i'll still be there for her as her good friend, listening to her heartstrings as needed. I'm happy if she's happy. My time will come... i'll just have to open my eyes and let my tormented soul go as well...

Just one last note. A niece of mine with whom i've played wif during my youth, and who migrated to the States more than 15 years ago, is finally getting married too. Have not been in contact with her since then. Her, my ex, LY and a friend who just became a father are all happy stories that have arisen around me. Causes for celebration. I will. In the form of a private wish for them to be happy always. Cheers to all.

I am getting too old for this (they are all younger than me).

Time to get physical

2005-03-15T23:41:00.000+08:00

I think its time to take up some physical sport... now that i feel an overwhelming need to vent and release all the pent-up anger, dispair and frustration accumulated through the years, threatening me like a ticking time bomb... i've got to let it all out, let it all go...

The mountains and the seas call, and beckons me... maybe i'll take up kayaking or something, see if i can exorcise some of my own personal demons... clear my mind... if i can't find much reciprocated friendship in people, perhaps i can find some other life-meanings among the stormy waters...

X Japan ~ Tears

2005-02-24T18:17:00.000+08:00

doko ni yukeba ii ("Wherever we go is okay,")
anata to hanarete (You said)
ima wa sugisatta (Now what may have been)
toki ni toikakete (Has been stopped by time)

naga sugita yoru ni (On that night that was too long)
tabidachi o yume mita (I had a dream where you left me)
ikoku no sora mitsumete (Staring at a foreign sky)
kodoku o dakishimeta (I hugged my lonliness)

nagareru namida o (My fallen tears)
toki no kaze ni kasanete (Are piling up on the winds of time)
owaranai anata no (At the end)
toiki o kanjite (I feel your breath)

Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love

Loneliness your silent whisper
Fills a river of tears through the night
Memory you never let me cry
And you, you never said good-bye
Sometimes our tears blinded the love
We lost our dreams along the way
But i never thought you'd trade your soul to the fates
Never thought you'd leave me alone

Time through the rain has set me free
Sands of time will keep your memory
Love everlasting fades away
Alive within your beatless heart

Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love

nagareru namida o (My fallen tears)
toki no kaze ni kasanete (Are piling up on the winds of time)
owaranai kanashimi o (This feeling at the end)
aoi bara ni kaete (Makes my blue rose change*)
Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love

nagareru namida o (My fallen tears)
toki no kaze ni kasanete (are piled on the winds of time again)
owaranai anata no toiki o kanjite (At the end I can feel your breath)
Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love
Dry your tears with love

(talking)
If you could have taught me anything
You would have found what love is
If you could have taught me what was on your mind
I could have shown you the way
Someday... I will be before you
Have you ever thought about that time?
I never imagined the pictures of that night
For now I will try to live for you
And for...
I will try to live
Try to live the love, the dreams,
And finally, the tears.

* the blue rose is symbolic of lonliness and emptiness, so here "Makes my blue rosechange" means that his lonliness and emptyness changed.

English translation and interpretation by Shiraishi Mayumi
From www.animelyrics.com/jpop/xjapan/xjtears.htm

let her go, set myself free

2005-02-22T23:07:00.000+08:00

It's finally done. After chatting wif the angel these last few nights, it had become clear that the angel is not meant to be mine. I can never fit her simple criteria of an ideal guy, though i sincerely hope she does fine one that'll be her shining knight. Will do being her good fren :)

Gave it lengthy thought and have decided it's time i let her go, regardless of how much i've thought of her in the past 2 years or did for her, foolishly or otherwise. But i've no regrets coz she had been a real friend (well, not as really good as i had wanted but...). Just told her the "good" news and i'm glad both of us will be the better for it. This dream of two years i had harboured is now ended. Letted her go, and setted myself free. I know i may not find anymore angels in the future - she is an angel but belongs to herself and to others. Knowing she's happy somehow i feel relieved. Blessed that she's in good hands.

Time to begin my scorpio hunts now.... hahahahaha. And bless the road ahead for me too.

Departure of another great... Ernst Mayr

2005-02-12T22:26:00.000+08:00

Another great had passed... but he's lived a full long life. Probably was an inspiration to Ed Wilson (my inspiration) as J.B.S. Haldane was to John Maynard-Smith (both deceased). wished he'd give A.R. Wallace more recognition though.

Here's from #55 of E-Skeptic on 11th Feb 2005

Ernst Mayr, 1904-2005
Remembrances and Tribute
By Frank J. Sulloway

Editor's note: I received the following remembrances of and tribute to Ernst Mayr a couple of days after his death on February 3, 2005, from Frank Sulloway during his expedition retracing Darwin's footsteps in the Galapagos Islands (there are Internet cafes on two of the islands).

As a young man Frank was a student of Mayr's at Harvard University, and later he became a close friend and collaborator of Ernst. I find it most fitting that the following remembrance was written in the islands that inspired Darwin and subsequently led to the discovery of the mechanism of evolution & natural selection.

I have been a close friend of Frank's for many years now. Frank and I conducted an interview with Ernst that was published in Skeptic magazine, which we reposted on e-Skeptic (archived at http://www.skeptic.com/eskeptic07-05-04.html) the week of Ernst's 100th birthday this last July, 2004. I called Ernst on his birthday to wish him a happy hundredth, and even at his advanced age, and not really knowing me all that well (we corresponded several times over the past decade and I spent an afternoon at his home a few years ago), he carried on a lucid and stimulating conversation more advanced than that of a man half his age (me!).

Frank spoke of Ernst always in positive terms and on many levels: as student, colleague, and friend. But Frank was most proud of the fact that Ernst once told Frank that he was "the son I never had." I cannot think of a sweeter and more touching connection to the man who did more to reinforce, refine, and restructure evolutionary theory in the 20th century.

- Michael Shermer

Ernst Mayr was, without doubt, the most important intellectual figure in my life. He was my closest mentor and a towering model for anyone to try to live up to. He was always remarkably generous with his time to younger scholars and scientists. He was well known at the Museum of Comparative Zoology for his open-door policy, which effectively invited people to drop in unannounced, so that they could chat with Ernst about scientific matters.

Ernst dutifully read and commented on every paper that I ever gave him to read, supplying excellent advice regarding corrections and revisions. He read my undergraduate thesis on Darwin and the Beagle Voyage (1969), although he was not required to do so, and he voluntarily wrote a report about it for the History of Science Department, which I was very flattered to be able to read later, because it was so positive and thoughtful. Others were often surprised by the fact that Ernst would read papers sent to him by mail, by people he did not even know, and he would supply important comments and suggestions. Once I tried to thank Ernst for reading a paper of mine, by presenting him with a bottle of cognac. But Ernst would not accept it, saying that it was a pleasure for him to read such manuscripts and that I should drink the bottle myself. How he had time to read all these manuscripts, and to write and proof read everything he published himself, remains a mystery to me.

I first got to know Ernst in 1967, when I was just 20 years old and organizing the Harvard - Darwin film expedition to retrace Darwin's route in South America. Ernst agreed to be the chairman of my little film advisory group, which I had assembled to give this project a semblance of legitimacy. Thanks in part to Ernst's name and prestige, I was able to raise $25,000 for this film expedition - a considerable sum in those days. While in South America for four months, doors opened at the very mention of Ernst's name, and local scientists eagerly offered their services as guides into the jungles of Brazil, the pampas of Argentina, the channels of Tierra del Fuego, and the mountains of the Chilean Andes. Because of my own association with Ernst, people often thought I was a Ph.D., but I had yet to obtain even my bachelor's degree!

After I wrote a paper for Ernst's graduate seminar in evolutionary theory, in the fall of 1970, Ernst took me under his wing. He was very impressed by this paper, which showed that Darwin had mistaken the various forms of Darwin's finches in the Galapagos Islands, for the forms they mimic through convergent evolution, and hence that Darwin had not been an evolutionist during his visit to these islands. I showed that it was the case of the Galapagos mockingbirds that finally converted Darwin to evolution, after his return to England and a meeting, in March 1837, with ornithologist John Gould. (Gould, it turned out, understood Darwin's Galapagos birds much better than Darwin did.) Ernst always dutifully cited me for these historical discoveries.

After I took his seminar in 1970, Ernst used to invite me to informal seminars at his house. I also used to drop by on an occasional basis just to chat, since I lived nearby. Mostly Ernst brought me up to date about his latest ideas, or talked about the things that interested him, and I just listened. Many times, in subsequent years, Ernst brought up how much he had enjoyed these conversations and how much he missed them. But I never felt that I was contributing much, although I think I was rather good at knowing just enough about whatever was being discussed to be able to make some comment that allowed Ernst to expand to a new or related topic. In short, I was good at keeping him talking (and I did enjoy these encounters). I also taught two seminar courses with Ernst in the history of biology, in the early 1970s, and this was a great learning experience for me.

I owe much of the success of my career to Ernst and his unflagging support for me. In 1973 he nominated me for a Junior Fellowship at Harvard, and when the Senior Fellows did not see things his way, he nominated me again the next year. This time I got the fellowship, one of the most prestigious that a young scholar could possibly receive. Ernst was like that - he did not take no for an answer when he believed strongly in something or someone. Other letters of recommendation that he wrote for me were doubtless largely responsible for my receiving subsequent fellowships.

There are so many ways that Ernst's intellectual style has influenced my own scholarship. His thinking was so logical, his scholarship so meticulous, and his intellectual sweep so impressive. In my own career, I always tried to live up to this stellar example and to make Ernst proud of the fact that he had nurtured my scholarship along and had supported me so generously with his time, recommendations, and advice.

Ernst's influence on me continues as I write here in the Galapagos Islands. I recently read a manuscript by a scientist visiting these islands who works on Darwin's finches. I thought the conclusions of the paper were basically wrong because they violated Ernst's fundamental ideas about the role of geographical isolation in the emergence of new species. So I rewrote the conclusion to the paper, showing that the interesting case, involving Geospiza fuliginosa (the Small Ground Finch) that scientist had studied was actually consistent with Ernst's model of allopatric speciation, although the scientist's findings perhaps added a new wrinkle to that model. My corrections were entirely accepted, and now I am a coauthor on the paper. But it is really to Ernst that I owe such a basic understanding of the origin of species.

I have heard Ernst say, several times, how much his own career was enabled by luck, such as the wonderful episode of seeing a pair of birds with a red bill in Germany, that had not been seen in that region for nearly a century - and how this chance observation led to his meeting Stresemann and his subsequent career in science. Well, the greatest stroke of good fortune in my career was my meeting Ernst as a young undergraduate in 1967, and the considerable interest he took, thereafter, in my own career. On so many levels, then, I shall miss Ernst.

Frank J. Sulloway
Visiting Scholar
Department of Psychology
University of California, Berkeley, CA

angelia

2005-02-10T14:42:00.000+08:00

hmm.... guess it's been goin for too long now. the angel's more grown up and have more priorities than 2 years ago... should it be time i fade into the background and stop lingering? afterall, i no longer expected much to come out of this friendship now that she is having a new life.

firstly, i'd really like to wait the 2 and half years when she finish studies even if in the end it may come to nothing, eventhough i've already waited 2 years, ended my studies early to come back for her (no regrets), cared for her i read the news almost everyday while in Aussie just to be sure she's all right, and many things that i've not said to her...

but on the other, have i finally grown tired? no longer feel she think of me as her good fren as it used to be back then, the ship slowly falling into decay and neglect... shld i still wait? an feeling so old now, jaded with friends who never were there, and am reluctant to go thru the same again, peaceful solitude yet grieving companionship, yearning for someone truly loved, treasured and embraced...

guess the feeling's too deep to let go... even if it'll lead me falling, badly cut and bruised... i'll wait for her for now...

...though many a times at this point somethings dun usually turn out as expected...

Faceless Serpents

2005-01-19T23:16:00.001+08:00

In case you're wondering, i'm still alive. Life went on.

Dammit... guess i'm too god-damn proud to even pour my sorrows here. But one thing's for sure - my wings ain't broken yet nor is my spirit any diminished - just lying low for awhile and gathering back my energies for a bolder front - and fight.

Patience... and my wings will soar once again even higher and stronger. Piercing is my vision, clearing the way.

Wrecks of my life

2004-12-27T23:45:00.000+08:00

Are once-great friendships really that ephemeral?

Am i really condemned by myself to lead a solitary existence?

My dreams may touch the heavens, and my boldness scorch the earth;

but my wasted heart, long a skeleton of its former self yet held but afew siniews

is nothing now, but an empty shell, a mockery of my still living being,

like an apparition as untouchable as my dreams, bold like a gnarled burnt oak against the wind...

In memory of Yasser Arafat

2004-11-13T17:45:00.000+08:00

He was a lion of a man, and gained world recognition in 1974, addressing the UN conference with a symbol of peace in hand and a gun by his side, saying "i come here holding an olive branch and a freedom fighter's gun.... don't let the branch fall from my hand".

He fought for his people, his vision of an independent Palestine and his dream of a better world for his bethren. Methodology doesn't matter (in the beginning), he thought of conquering the odds with nerves of steel, courage of an eagle, an iron will and the absolute belief in his people, and delivering to them freedom and repossession of their ancestral land.

Through the ages, he's come to know the world changes. That the gun is no longer the only way. And he pursued his dream via afew diplomatic means. Alas, Rabin was gone. However, through some compromises, he saw his grip loosen, and long-suffering groups growing impatient. Then Sharon entered the stage, complicate things and among others imprisoned and held him hemmed in against a corner. So did the actions of his military factions.

He didn't sign the Camp David agreements because he feared assasination. But he did so in believing his death will spark an uncontrollable terror war, and that no one then could have turned that scenario around. He may have been wrong, but with the whole of Palestine as his responsibility, could he have risked it?

On Isreal's side, they have lost families, friends, children, mothers, fathers, wives and husbands. But do they understand what they have been imposing on the Palestinians or do they live the same fear and lives? Didn't Palestinians lose families, friends, children, mothers, fathers, wives and husbands as well? Being a leader of the dispossessed, with all the troubles weighing on his mind and searching for a way to achieve a better outcome for his people, could anyone else have done better?

In the end, his life was too short to accomplish the cause he's set himself. Terror is no answer to the conflict, but so isn't occupation. As he look from where he is now, i believe he'll want an end to the conflict, to have an independent Palestine, with Palestinians and Isrealies, goodwilled and on equal standing living peacefully without the present air of terror, with Statehood of their own. He tried. Now, the world hope the future will be better for all, with responsibility resting on his successors, associates, and everyone. He'll say, "the time has come for a better world". I certainly hope so.

PS. It was with uneasy sadness when i suddenly felt the urge to check the news on thursday night (Brisbane time). It feels like the world had gone empty for a while, like the passing of someone great. How was it that i felt that way before being informed i can never explain, but i knew he's gone, before confirming the news online of his passing an hour earlier. He's blessed his people, blowing loving kisses to them but expecting the worst with a heavy heart before leaving for Paris. Now is the time for Palestinians to bless him in return, by working peacefully towards their better future and Palestine State. And it shall take the courage, integrity and will of the world to bring about their dreams.

Mahatma Gandi once said:

"An eye for an eye, making the whole world blind"

Let's hope there's still enough vision left in the world to see the light and change it for the better.

Almost there...

2004-11-13T15:54:00.000+08:00

December 13th 2004

The day i will be leaving this place (Brisbane) back for Singapore.

Have been waiting patiently for so long (close to 2 years without being home).

My overseas pursuit in 2001 was mainly in the name of chasing a crazy dream, and which it still is, though as yet unfulfilled. I had come, with full knowledge the inadequacy of my financial status for 4 years in Aus, hoping i might find some way to fund till its end. In spite of failure in this regard, i've no regrets uprooting myself for a personal journey of self-dependence, self-discovery and seeing the world through many eyes. And this december is not an end in itself, just a temporary pause from what i call a "life-long" adventure. Never try, never know. I've cut short my stay by changing from a 4 year specialist program for a 3 year degree, though all my courses remain what i've taken in the original program. Such measures were neccessary because my cash supply had run its turn, not surprisingly and forseen even before embarking on this journey. At least 2 years lie ahead of hard working to earn enough for my 4th honours year. "I hope you'll take less than the 2 years to come back for your honours, and hopefully i should still be here at UQ" was what my lecturer and potential honours supervisor said, to which i only smiled, knowing the fees have gone up afew $Ks since 2001.

Oh well, back to the grind. Being away from Singapore for much of the last 4 years made me feel the world's my home, doesn't matter whether it was in Pearl River Delta, China, or Brisbane, Australia, or Singapore. The very minute i step out of the airports, i feel home. But this december is different. Living entirely dependent on own's shallow pocket means not able to go out with friends even to have a coffee. In order to be sure funds are sufficient to last me 3 years until this december, the only expenditure i'm able to limit was on food and groceries. A budget of $600/month breaks down to $370 for rent, $33 for mobile phone and about $100 for homephone, electricity and other bills. There were other miscellanaeous like field trip costs and the occasional bicycle repair. Transport to school is on 2 wheels or foot. $60 for food and groceries works out to about $2 a day, no mean feat even in Singapore, much less Brisbane where normal meals cost twice as much. No outside food purchases, all cooked at home. Breakfasts of cheapest 4 whitbix downed with cheapest fruit juices, lunches of discounted bread or instant noodles. No eggs, fresh vegies, milk. Meat is homebrand luncheon roll or bulk hamburger patties, each cooked dish distributed over 4 dinners. Every train ride to city must serve good purpose. And i'm proud of it, having lasted so long. But that's why i badly yearn for the food back home. And my family of course (oops). Earned salary is what i need, and i can feast on all revered hawker food i want then.

Yet, my journey here was in part an escapism from some realities back home. Not of the economy, but the missed friendship. So many of my old friends from school days have moved on without me, even before i left. So many times i've tried to keep hold to the thread, but i'm the only one not moving on. Some of the best ones i've held them together for years before realising i was the only one binding them together. When i stopped calling, none asked why. Perhaps i'm really so insignificant in their lives, when they were the only good friends i've got and trusted. That's why i'm too unwilling to give that kind of trust and friendship to anyone, anymore, or should i? Even now, they still are my best friends... strange workings of an unsettled mind.

And when i thought "hey, i've still got my girlfriend", i got dumped while in China because she couldn't forsee a future life partner with a person who's passion was in helping the environment, not financial security. I'm not scientist, and only big name scientists earn decent livings, much less in Singapore. But that's past, and i respect her decision as well as the friendship we still have. Heck, she's getting married next year and i wish her a great and fulfilling married life. I guess back to the search for my original Angel (sorry if i've missed ya, let me know k?), which i gave up (well, now it is termed temporary) by making my ex THE angel, who turned out to be a Kat with a life of her own. I've got my sights on one good friend met early last year, who's in-training to be a nurse (white-bloused angel). Could it be her? I don't know, but i'm no longer fussed if she's not. My chosen line of work, i can't ask for heaven-sent angels to share that kind of burden, nor will i actively look since i've no time and too tired for the charade. My own future, my life as it will come to pass, has been on a turning point for quite awhile now, and that's what i've to focus on to realise it. I'll judge myself on my deathbed, but till then i do what i can, bring pride to my family so supportive of my dream with loans and moral encouragement for which i can never fully repay. My success, as much as will be my own, will be their pride. And i will not let them, and most definitely not myself down.

And now, it has come to pass. One more month before i'm back to an uncertain future. I've come to Australia to start anew, make more friends and perhaps more. But i guess it's back to square one. No great friends of old. Still, afew good friends ain't that bad, though how good only the future will tell. Will it be the same again when i'm back? Will my old friends still know me? Will life be as stagnant and stuck in a rut like before i left? I don't know, but i certainly won't let it remain as such. Friendships are only temporary, and vulnerable to human selfishness. No point believing in the "forever" word. I am shaped by an uncompromising world, and that is how i shall expect of life. And hopefully make it better. The future holds more promises of high challenges, and as far as i'm concerned, will be eagerly taken on and relished. What i feel of myself 50 years from now is in my own hands. And for that i promise my time here in Aus will be more than well worth the sacrifices. It was a challenge which i lived, enjoyed and am absolutely proud of. Will be creating opportunities for more... I'll change people's mindsets, if not change the world. Within or beyond my lifetime. That is a promise, unless someone up there found a better candidate. Will be available for coffee then.

Am hungry. Time to cook Wednesday's leftovers.

PS. I'm very happy my family remembers my birthday on Thursday, and sent me wishes even if it was only through sms. So did a long-time godsis (bless her soul and daughter Ashley) and a friend from 2 years ago. And of couse, the one whom i hope is my angel. Cheers for all.

Point made... but will it be another NATO?

2004-10-16T19:19:00.000+08:00

YESS!!! Finally the thunder's heard!

Environment has finally got some long-deserved recognition among todays youths (okay, i don't really know the scene in Singapore nowadays).... see the feedback report on the Creating Our Future exercise taken by MCYS on their website at http://www.mcys.gov.sg/MCDSFiles/Download/ReportonYouth.pdf

scroll down to paragraph 39 on page 11.... not much coverage among other equally substantial opinions but it's there! And that's what counts. Now to see if there's Action on it...

Please see my previous post "Letter to MCDS" if you're confused with regards to my rantings...

The hunt for 13th October... where's it sunk?

2004-10-13T09:07:00.000+08:00

Just back from Straddie trip on monday... reason i'm typing this now is b'cos the intensive 4 day field trip was so full-on, i slept only 3 hours on final night working on our group presentation. Not an easy feat given that we've one evening to choose and formulate our specific project, 2 days to collect and computer-crunch data, as well as brief presentation on our progress each evening, before culminating on the final presentation on the last morning! But it was great fun! Then got home at 3pm and slept for 15 hours straight until next morning. Were looking at light relations and growth of Rhizophora stylosa mangrove trees and graphing its growth history using leaf node scars, and investigating any within and between site differences. Another good thing was the food.... so much better than what i'm used to have, and absolutely gorged since we already paid for the catering..... meat pies and nachos..... YUM!!!

Got a shock of my life during the first day also... we were introduced to different environments around Stradbroke Island and looked at the mangroves, benthic microalgae on sandflats, corals (or what's left) and seagrasses. The last two required snorkelling, me and afew of us from Singapore didn't have any, but we decided to jump into the water and have fun anyway. At 300m offshore from the seagrass patch, everyone else was powering away quickly with their flippers, while me and a friend was just swimming at snail's pace ("turtle's pace" is inappropriate in this context), and when i looked back, saw my friend's head bobbing in and out of the water and struggling. I decided things were not good and tried to get him back to the boat 30 metres away when he said he's returning (while head halfway in the water), and was having trouble even keeping afloat. Having realise he couldn't float normally (when i told him so), i put my arm over his chest and tried to hold his head up above the water, while i paddled slowly back to the boat. Manage to get our lecturer's attention on the boat and had the boat come over and pull my friend out of the water.

He had a cramp at his feet. But otherwise he recovered quite quickly after getting on board. Me? He didn't realise i was shocked the hell out of my life, with water depth much more than 2 metres deep (he's shorter than me), at least 200m away from shore and clad in only shorts and booties... and i myself was drinking seawater trying to keep him above the water surface... wanted to swim back after the episode to look at the seagrass but was too tired and swam slowly. Norm's (the lecturer) flippers and mask didn't work for me.

Now i know why we had to fill up that snorkelling experience form before setting out (which i obviously absolutely invented... think i wrote my last experience was at 1992... hahaha). Didn't want to tell them i didn't even have a legitimate swimming proficiency bronze certificate, let alone a life-saving one.

Oops... my friend just popped by and i think caught a glimpse of what i was typing. Gotta bat out of the library now.

3 Down, ??? more to go - Hard Battle Ahead

2004-09-15T21:09:00.000+08:00

Whew.... at least now some assessments are done. Finished Darling Downs tour essay, Marine Plant Ecosystems mid-term test over and Plant Ecophysiology Current Issues presentation over. Still... so many more to go. My calender is so coloured with things to do until can put rainbow to shame.

Last long battle before we reach a conclusive end to the war, though not yet the war that wins all wars.

Gloop...bluup.... GASP!

2004-08-25T10:24:00.000+08:00

Just a reminder to myself that i shouldn't be here blogging.... not now anyway.

1 assignment due next week, draft chapter due this friday, 4 - 5 more assignments coming my way soon (and i'm talking about datelines!!!).

HELP... Drowning in the schoolwork.....

Earlier letter to NParks

2004-08-21T15:57:00.000+08:00

This is the one i (unashamedly) sent to NParks in February (i think) when, to my surprise, advertised for people to deal with biodiversity issues... of cos, there's no response from them, though not that i expected any. Well, never try, never know...

"Ideals for NParks (Singapore)"

Dear Sir,

It was with great pleasure that I knew of NParks' increasing involvement in biodiversity conservation. The career webpage indicates an expansion of NParks' role and scope in this much neglected field, nationally and (suggestively) abroad. This move could not have come at a better time in more ways than one.

Singapore is not well-known internationally for being environmentally conscious. There are few mentions of Singaporeans or of our country's active participation in regional conservation projects, except perhaps for the provision of academic linkages, short-term studies or technological knowledge. It is also of my opinion that the insufficiency of education in ecological and environmental awareness, and inadequate guidance for the enthusiastic few that had brought about the apathetic attitude towards biodiversity and conservation in most singaporeans. The detachment between us (singaporeans in general) and environmental problems are even more apparent with regard to issues further abroad.

I would like to suggest some ideas that may have some effect in bringing about a change in our citizen's mindset, and toward a more significant role for Singapore in the conservation of biodiversity (including habitat protection and management) as a responsible global citizen.

In the 1987 Brundtland report (Our Common Future, World Commission on Environment and Development), the underlying principle of the concept "ecologically sustainable development" or ESD, is the use (and management) of our resources for our needs "without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their own needs". I strongly believe that, rather than simply battling today's problems as adults, we should also inform our inheritors the legacy we're leaving for them, good or otherwise. There is no better way than to start off well with the young, our future leaders. A curriculum that incorporates much ecological and environmental education may not be a possibility, given the broad scope of questions posed during major examinations. However, much can be achieved if educators are encouraged to use information from biodiversity and conservation studies as material in teaching, say, language lessons, or assigning mini-group projects. The provision of respected journals such as Science, Nature, Conservation Biology and other titles at the junior college level as supportive teaching tools will do well to stimulate independent thinking as well as generate greater awareness of scientific and environmental issues among the students.

There is a need for greater support of public programs to promote environmental awareness and the importance of being environmentally responsible citizens. For example, the public should know why we should practice the three "R"s - reduce, reuse and recycle, other than the extra trouble of doing so. In Brisbane, Australia, an effective public education method was to have signs and posters in public areas warning that litter in waterways could end up in the Moreton Bay, a protected area that support a multitude of wildlife such as turtles and dugongs as well as seagrass communities. Similarly, singaporeans might want to know that vehicle and industrial emissions have a more global impact in the form of increasing concentration in CO2 and other greenhouse-warming gases in the global atmosphere, other than being detrimental to an individual's health. The list goes on, but the programs should not end just there. Instead, they should suggest what singaporeans can do, and explain using examples of efforts in foreign countries doing their bit to alleviate environmental impacts.

Another positive direction would be for our universities and government bodies, such as NParks, to be greater involved in conservation and management projects in the region. Collaboration in such projects should involved sending of academics and staff as co-workers and joint researchers. This will provide hands-on experiences for Singapore as well as an exchange of ideas between participating countries, especially in areas where urgent help is needed. I believe such joint projects have already been going on, although not very much publicized.

This letter's second objective is to congratulate the creation of career opportunities in the field of biodiversity conservation in Singapore. It will provide an impetus for keen potential students to develop themselves in this area, which previously seems to hold little job prospects. On a more personal note, this is especially welcoming news for me as an environmental science undergraduate that, against current trends in life sciences, majors in ecology. The timing may not be right for me yet, but after years of doubt imposed by my peers and relations on my choice of university education (and career), at least I know now there's something to look forward to back in Singapore, in time to come.

This letter is not intended as a self-promotion for the advertised positions, of which I am obviously not qualified for. However, I would like to express my interest in learning from the appointed biodiversity conservation officers after I return back to Singapore at the end of this year. I will be continuing university studies in a few years time, and hence, would like to be involved through a part-time voluntary internship or attachment. It will equip me with invaluable experience and practical skills when I embark on my honours year and any such opportunities will be gratefully appreciated. I have attached herewith a brief CV and current academic transcript to provide some information on my background and present studies. It will be understandable if this letter is not favourably received or deemed worthy of a response. As such, there is no obligation to reply on your part.

It is my hope that NParks will continue to advance biodiversity conservation and environmental awareness in Singaporeans, and to lead Singapore in becoming a much more responsible global citizen.

Letter to MCDS

2004-08-21T15:45:00.000+08:00

This is the email i sent to Singapore's Ministry of Community, Development and Sports (MCDS), in response to their call for ideas for the new lap of governance. Very biased i'd say, but that's just me. heheh. Quite similar to the one i sent to NParks earlier this year (see next posting!!!) when they shockingly advertised for enviros people... at least gives folks like me hope of possible future employment.

So here goes...

"Nurturing a citizen-wide awareness and involvement in regional environmental development, as well as world affairs"

I wish for a national vision, not just at the government level but down to the citizens, of our environment. It is my belief that most Singaporeans are aware of the concept of environmental degradation, that Singapore had inevitably lost much of our natural heritage since her modern founding in 1819, and that much more of that degradation is occurring at the regional level. However, the knowledge had not been translated into action, since few Singaporeans believe it’s their responsibility to improve the state of our regional environment, and the sporadic trips to help repair and build villages in the poorer countries are seen on the publicity front as short-term “adventures” to build up leadership in our youth, rather than long-term efforts to really contribute towards maintenance of cross-community, cross-country relations and living standards, especially in the eyes of the sent youths. Have they experienced the cultural significance of these communities and the daily issues they face? Or did they simply went away with sympathy and felt they’ve made a mark in the impoverished communities’ lives, but seen things only from a Singaporean point of view? Have they understood the root cause behind the circumstances of their lifestyle, and the connection with their environment?

There was a saying I used to hear a long time ago when monetary penalties were introduced to curb littering – that Singaporeans were careful not to be shamefully caught for throwing rubbish where they don’t belong, but felt free from that duty of care once they cross the causeway. The same murmurings arose again when CWD (Corrective Work Order) was introduced. These penalties were imposed and fronted more as a deterrent, in the methodology of the old government - make people follow the rules by imposition of punishment for non-compliance. It should be clear by now that a civic society will naturally and ethically follow the rules to a certain extent if there is an understanding of wrongdoing, and knowing why. Shackling regulations will only breed rebellion.

Using Australia as an example, there is a great sense of environmental awareness among its citizens. This does not come by having the people living under fear of punishment for causing environmental damage. Having said this, there are still a minority who had low regard for the environment. However, most Australians do care about their environment, and know it’s not right to litter, that recycling as much as possible is the way to reduce wastage, and that it comes as natural for them to appreciate, conserve and protect cultural and natural heritage as it exist in the Australian landscape. Every household have a recycling bin as well as the usual trash bin, and in any way they could strive to be environmentally friendly they will try to achieve, although vehicular usage levels is still an issue found wanting. How have they been able to cultivate that sense of environmental awareness?

It’s understandable that in the highly built-up landscape of Singapore, there are great difficulties in having the youth understand and appreciate the natural environment as existed outside our national parks and beyond our borders, or the dynamic changes in our landscape since our grandparents’ time. Our forebears had the opportunity, but environmental awareness had not figured much compare with Singapore’s national development then. The time is long overdue to increase that awareness among the citizens, and the best is to start with our youths.

Given the current study load of our scholars, it will be impractical to introduce an environmental course into the curriculum. The increased amount of time youths spend watching television compared to 2 decades back is a well-know fact, and which should be taken as an advantage. It can be argued that documentaries are shown ad nauseam on the Discovery Channel, but not everyone has access to cable television. Also, not many of these programs are geared towards ecological and environmental issues, which tend to win less favour with governmental bodies and some corporations, internationally. I believe there should be an increase of provocative current issues programs regularly show on mainstream channels, to increase the current world-view of the community, as well as to pose to them issues as seen from others’ point of view, as it happen in other parts of the world - bring to them the sense of connectivity to the lives and events of people and communities beyond our borders. I suggest a good look at some of the current issues programs from Australia such as ABC’s Four Corners and SBS’s Dateline, to provide some idea of the issues that Singaporeans can ponder about. Personally, I regularly visit the english version of the Arabic news station Al Jazeera’s website, to catch up on the happenings in the Arabic world. Being far away in Australia and having family and friends in Singapore, I place huge emphasis in the terrorism threat that is potentially faced by my homeland, and to a greater extent my loved ones. I’ll want to know and understand the mindset of the people in the Arabic world, however biased, know how it may affect my folks back home. Similarly, much of the current issues programs in Australia can be said to be biased in varying degrees, but that’s how it provoke thoughts and invites opinions among the audience, and at the same time, generate the sense of connectivity and awareness to issues that do not usually figure in their minds as they go about their daily lives. Other methods used in Australia are showing short-segments documentaries of the importance of maintaining a clean, natural, less energy-demanding environment, such as how energy usage can contribute to climatic change, and how litter and runoff from suburbs can flow into the Brisbane River and impact on the Moreton Bay marine ecosystem.

Another avenue on the government’s part is to have the Ministry of Environment produce State of Environment Reports similar (although understandably with some differences in themes and depth) to the 4-yearly reports in Australia, and independently by each of her states, such as Queensland, as available in these websites:

http://www.deh.gov.au/soe/index.html (Australia)

http://www.epa.qld.gov.au/environmental_management/state_of_the_environment/ (Queensland)

which upon publication should be made publicly know and actively promoted to be read, reviewed and elicit comments from the general public.

On the educational front, schools can be encouraged to use articles on environmental topics as an aid in their teaching especially at the junior college level, such as an option to science students to research and writing critical reviews on conservation and ecology issues with resources from journals such as Conservation Biology, Oryx, and many others. At the secondary level, the subject of geography have the greatest potential in introducing issues of environmental sciences as it teach and discuss topics with geological, social, economical, environmental, and to a much lesser extent ecological aspects.

Given that there are already some Singaporeans who understand some of the environmental issues currently facing the region (Asia is at present the fastest-developing economy in the World, but with the shortest time to learn from the environmental implications of the bullet-train paced development), there will be some who will wish to contribute more than just thought and ideas to address these issues. A further suggestion is to set up and make publicly known (when the ideological climate is right) a long-term program in the vein of Australia’s AusAid program (http://www.ausaid.gov.au/), that supports and encourages youths to participate in developmental, environmental and conservational programs in developing countries.

It is my belief that Singapore, as a global citizen, should do its part in helping our neighbours, other global citizens, in the environmental field which is the easiest to degrade and destroy, but most difficult to restore and rehabilitate in a human lifetime, such that everyone, especially our future generations, will benefit or the least inherit, the World in the state that we currently live in. We should not simply offer advice or high-tech expertise (as I firmly believe not all environmental problems can be solved by the mavericks of technology cost-effectively, and without leaving some degree of permanent anthropogenic impacts), but to involve actively in participating and cooperating both at the community and governmental level to reduce potential environmental degradation, and to restore the salvageable natural heritage in the region back to good health, with the attitude not of a “superior” neighbour, but of a kindly friend. That, and without asking anything more in return than clean air, lush forests, healthy waters and seas, living together in harmony with cultural diversity, biodiversity and fully functional ecosystems, with the aim of achieving sustainable development in everyone’s economies. That is my nationalistic ideal for the future of Singapore, and on a broader worldview, regional ideal. That is my vision.

Do not let others, and most importantly yourself, shoot down your own dreams, until it is seen beyond any forseeable doubt, on your deathbed, that the dream is never meant to be made into reality. Then, close your eyes with a smile, for you know you’ll dream that dream forever.

Pleasent surprises from an *old friend!

2004-08-20T23:14:00.000+08:00

2 surprises today, that i (unwittingly) had set off an old friend (who was incidentally my ex, and still presently a good friend) to start her own blog! 2nd, she's finally (?!) gettin married next year! To my knowledge, she only met her fiance (right?) afew months back, and now they're hitched! But then, somethings she does things like a whirlwind, striking when least expected. Well, what can i say, but a huge Congratulations to both her and her fiance! Am glad she finally found a suitable soulmate, and i'm real very happy for her - and really meaning it. At least it's not that Wayney guy whom i could never really understand why wasn't shaken off for so long. haha...

Hmm.... that reminds me, i'm not gettin younger (no one ever does, physically!). Been bearing my mum's hints on the M subject since at least 8 years already... well, hope she won't bring it up so much once i get back home. Still cannot be sure if my destined angel's around now, or ever will be. With my current mind set on achieving my life-long objective, cannot expect an angel to be. Am not fussed, heheheh.

The world's my stage, and i'm the roving devil. From where will my spawn spring? Who knows.. but i sure ain't tearin my hair out about it! ;)

Boom time...

2004-08-18T22:09:00.000+08:00

Woke up at 5.45am to a loud BOOM, which rumbled unabated for a good half minute... and i thought, what the ............. is that?!! Has some building finally being the victim of some attack?

Nope... just some thunder unlike any other, and the rain storm finally lashing SE Qld, the 4th or 5th in a good many months. The farmers in Darling Downs will go happily crazed for this, if they've not killed off the stagnanted crop shoots yet that is. End of the drought i hope.

In school, Chad (who lived at South Bank) said he thought it was some attack as well, and got out of the house to see what's goin on. My housemate Patrick thought... aww... the whole place was shaking... but am too tired to get up even if the building will collapse on me.

Watching Fahrenheit 9/11 now on my friend's computer... wonder how lil Bushy will win elections this year. He better not. Kerry's not much better, but at least he's not as dumb and narrow-minded as Bushy... hopefully.