new dreams, hopes and life

just when i thought my posting rate had gone up, it went almost straight to zero... hahaha.

was rather busy these recent weeks with lotsa stuff... work (unavoidably inevitable), interests, motorbike lessons... and a special someone...

am beginning to pick and build up my life again... had been really touched by a girl, and she made a difference in my life... i don't know if what we have will be forever - that's for fate to dictate - but i'll give what i can to make it work... and of course, she makes the final choice. Regardless, nothing can change the way we're good frens now, and will always be... and i really hope we'll be more...

take care, nite nite and sweet sweet dreamzzz.....

lazy movie sunday

funny... somehow my posting rate has gone up of late..

must be all that writing for work and lack of conversing my thots.


Just saw "The constant gardener", starring Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz. Nice, but not as good as "The english patient". Mr Fiennes seem to have a knack of being in such sappy love-lost movies where both male and female leads loses their intertwined lives in the show, seperately, with him often outlasting his partner in anguish :X

A string of movies to watch... Syriana, Brokeback Mountain, North Country, Walk the line, etc etc etc, not sure if able to catch them all, but will not want to miss Da Vinci Code opening May 19th. also seen the trailer of Roberto Benigni's The tiger and the snow.. looks quite a nice show to watch.

okay, back to work - else the system block me from bloggin in office again hahaha

benefits of some cool shuteye

jus thot i'll jot this down...

had a restful nap-slp jus now (hmm... 3-4 hours consider nap?), i think it had a sort of refreshing effect on the head (not that i don't know that, but am talking more about the soothing effects than the science of it). had some pretty funny dreams, had one wif me chit-chatting wif my former branch head about more mundane things outside work hadn't done dat for quite some time liao)... among maybe 1 or 2 other short dreams which i forgot.

am still feeling abit tired, eventhough didn't do any work, so the brain's probably still recovering from the massive turnover of cells the past week but its definitely alot better now - only a slight dull ache at the back of the head. had kept telling people in the past few days that it's like an over-clocked processor heated up hahaha.

think will get some early slp again (well... before midnite is early i think), and maybe do some reading that is not about work. probably will be able to concentrate better and longer tomorrow in the office. had to churn out a few things before the weekend really ends.

zzzzzzz................... (blow bubble).....

Initiatives

A few new things to do for this year:

- Get Class 2B licence (1st lesson 2day was fun... accidentally turned hi throttle and almost buang into wall or other learners :X but luckily manage to do a tight cornering and squeeze thru both... crazy stunt for very first practical lesson, but any other way would've fallen.. will go slow frm now)

- Learn electric guitar (got learning guide book, now to find a suitable guitar and amp)

- Take leave for May... after everything is over. Need to plan now liao... 5 days leave, not sure to go mountains, sea or the quiet streets of some faraway city, but a week shld be enuf to clear the clouded head. really needed to get away, go somewhere to rethink my purpose and find some way to ease and soothe the mind. Almost forgot, remember to bring my mp3 n charger along hahaha


restless spirit
caught in the cold wintry night
without a soothin warmth
not knwing wither the gale winds take

perhaps for the sun it sought
exorcising heat burning away sin and self
or continual wandering in the darkness
feeling old and new comfort among familiar ruins

A reminder to myself

General feeling of some of my frens at work...

Ever feel like a DoNkEy sometimes??

*Hahaha...*

alright... so my case wasn't so bad lah hor :D

slow roasting... cooked human brain anyone?

2 papers
1 tender submission
3 meeting minutes
2 events coordination
3 programmes

all due or overdue and requiring immediate attention

and some of them are not even suppose to be my work, but somehow these ad-hoc works are now taking over much of my work time n second shift nite time, becoming part of my regular work. am wondering how am i goin 2 even do my own job when i had to do my bosses' job? nope... now my bosses' jobs is my job... their job is verbal only and i propose the decisions for them (as in "do this, but don't ask me how to do it, give me the completed draft") - easy to say but manager crack head n do. Problem is that these project things were not done before and almost everything is thought-up, planned n done from scratch... by the manager, which includes pushing Br Hd's agendas. Henceforth, any queries or follow-up please look for the manager.

and i almost couldn't believe that one of the task assigned to a committee member, and given 3 days to just either send emails or make simple phone calls to arrange and coordinate a staggered discussion, was basically left undone... the arrangement with selected team leaders and poster designers is tomorrow and he can tell me he's only asked the leader from his own branch coz he's busy, no emails sent out, no calls made, and that he'll call the rest of 10 or 11 leaders tomorrow morning if they can make it for discussion in the afternoon, and that he had to prioritise his work. I was like WTF... discussion is tomorrow, event is 2 weeks away, posters to be ready next week or so... and i just went ahead and completed arrangement with almost all the team leaders within todays' afternoon myself.

KNN... i'm already coordinating the whole bloody event and now i gotta do his work and get grouses from these team leaders for informing them this late!!!

back of the head between my ears now heating up 24hrs and stoned once i get home... except for typing this here (one's gotta have a pressure outlet somewhere... so long as its not fart like one of my colleagues hahaha)

no longer feel it's fair running so many one-man shows at the same time and covering the arses of my Br n Sect Head... starting to feel stoned n toasted brain at work now also. wish my head can just crack up now. if only i've not such a thick skull.......

well, at least still managed to finish writing 1 paper before leaving heheh, among others.


Please wait while the brran meltz down...
You may discard the roasted processor now.

hmm...

Am glad still had the strength to ask, regardless the outcome

Hope didn't give too great a shock though (thinking of those whom i've scared off in the past for being direct like dat), but really sorry if i did :x .

Mind's clearer now, hoping things are okay being frens and me be my usual self again :)


Can't believe i spent the entire day typing the contact details of almost every single person in my whole division... finding and keying all the names, numbers and email addresses in the spreadsheet until eyes wanna pop and head big big. Probably almost dozed off several times staring at the computer screen... o_O'"

Good thing went to the pool to wake my brain up.

Granma's anniversary

Is granma's anniversary today... has been 13 years i think but i still can remember her watchful eyes and contented smiles so long ago.

I wish her and granpa well up there, and to look over the family. Many things on my mind and really hope to find some peaceful respite... and answer within myself.

Somehow alot of things had cross my head and i couldn't help but question my abilities. Some things i never had a doubt, but the worst enemy is within myself. Why am i hesitant now? Perhaps i fear giving my all and end up losing a gd fren like what happened before? That was devastating.

I guess now, like many times before, i'm standing again at a closed door, not knowing what lies beyond. If its just about me then i've no worries walking right through even if i fall. But if it means the feelings of someone then i'll not want to cause hurt. All i wanted was for her to be happy, as always each time, and of course the best for her.

Ya, i'll still want her to be happy, so that means i must be too, and be positive as well. I'll want things to turn out well and even if it didn't we'll still be great friends. No clouding of the mind by the past... this is the present, and should be happy living it, for others and for myself.

And yes, i guess i will... :)

burning out again...

not sure why, i've recently i have felt really burning out again and slowing down in my work efficiency... perhaps i really had too many things to think about and take care of? Or is it something else?

Feels like taking a break from it all, maybe a short trip somewhere to get some peace of mind. But is it really peace i'm looking for or the wished companionship of someone close? Firstly, it'll be highly likely i'll be goin alone coz i've none someone close. Secondly, since if i'm just there to seek peace of mind and that it wasn't the purpose then it makes no point to go. Guess i'm back to square one again. Snakes do think too much for our own good.

Was visiting my fren's family this afternoon. It was his son's 1st birthday and i was happy n envious (with good intentions) that both his parents' children are finally married n settled down.. both he n his younger sis are younger than me. Was at another fren's place last night to celebrate 人日节 with some frens, and had to be there for another fren drowning himself with alcohol over frustration with relationships - also another snakey n just abit younger than i am. I guess he's right to agree with me that we think too much for others instead of ourselves, but then, isn't it that all we wanted is for all those around us, especially close ones, to be happy?

So... apart from what i wished for others,

i wish for someone who could be there with me, and who can look me in the eye and say that she wished that moment can be forever, and if not, to be together for as close as can be til age breaks all up,
i wish for a place we can call our own, to share our peace n happiness, n to share joy with family n frens,
i wish for a better future for all that i wanted them to have, a greater peace, a better life,
i wish for a happy n fulfilling life, shared n treasured, with all the strength n heart i can muster,
for one who'll see me thru all that and still smile at my dreamy thoughts and antics.

i'm still quite a selfish person ain't i...

Somewhere out there -
Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram (An American Tail)

Somewhere out there
Beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me
And loving me tonight

Somewhere out there
Someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another
In that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there
If love can see us through
Then we'll be together
Somewhere out there
Out where dreams
Come true...

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there
If love can see us through
Then we'll be together
Somewhere out there
Out where dreams
Come true...

Disillusionment with governance

Has to be one of the worst days since employment here...

Since reading that email, i still find it inexplicable and incredibly flabbergasted the way parent company's system works, and to say i'm downright disappointed is an extreme understatement. Fuming mad to say the least.

The specific query on my event proposal from the parent company is that how much the sponsor had given in order to warrant M's grace, and even after providing the figures (rather suspiciously), they even had the cheek to cynically remark if we are actually serious that the event is worth M's appearance!!! I was like... what the fuck?!! U mean if there isn't "enough" money in there, regardless of what the contribution and donation stands for, it won't be worth their while to sweat and feed mosquitoes on a saturday morning?!! Our governance runs on the value of the dollar sign?! Then for what kind of future are we working for? M's graces are for hire to the highest bidder? No money no talk? That the new generation are to be born and bred on a diet of materialistic survival mindset where the only true value of virtues is the colour of money? Then what the fuck are we really striving for ourselves and our country? That we pay taxes so we can have smiley people with unfeeling bottomlines taking care of our well-being and good life, breeding apathy, ignorance, arrogance and selfishness?

This reminds me of the old story (probably forgotten by those blind to other else) of the old woman and the temple. The temple followers had wanted to construct a newer and better temple in honour of their deity overseeing their good fortunes and blessed days, and went out in solicitation of donations. And old lady went up to them to contribute the remaining of her worldly possessions (with enough to presumably get by herself) - 4 copper coins. The followers gave a laugh at the paltry sum and how financially insignificant the 4 coins will be to the creation of a grandiose proud repose for their deity, and threw them into the ditch nearby. The lady, disappointed and shamed, went away.

When the temple was near completion, things start to go wrong. Stone walls begin to crack and erect solid timbers became strained and bent. Eventually the temple collapsed before even receiving its first pilgrims. Several more attempts were made to rebuild but all came to naught. The worried followers start to question the events and eventually found out that the wrath of their deity was incurred because they had not respected the old lady's contributions, given how she had accorded more value to the building of the temple than of her own material needs, and instead judged her significance on the dollar sign rather than the true meaning of her giving.

Needless to say, the temple was finally built with the 4 original coins, and the lady vindicated. Now i don't say that the sponsor is likened to the old lady, but that the parent company, as with the followers even with the best of intentions, failed to look beyond the monetary value of the contributions, much less the effort that goes into organising the whole event.

The personal efforts towards the event is immaterial. However, this revelation really made me think hard and deep about the sort of values the parent company espouses and potrays in contradiction. The donation may be a sort of publicity promotion, but it underlies the values their organisation seeks to potray themselves, and to believe in as their company culture, as a socially responsible corporate citizen. I find it especially hard to swallow that these "other" values are lost on those of powers. I can take disappointment and failure for not being able to have M's grace for good reasons, but not the apparent fact that disregarding the meaning of the initiatives, the cash simply outweighs all other factors. Says so much about what values underlie "good" governance - perfectly understandable in a corporate business sense but totally unforgivable in a company that was built by the people for the people, now seemingly taking on the tact of "show me the money and i'll give you your dues".

Ultimately, the people will lay their life for their country because of nationalistic pride and familial values, but not for a company that runs the nation based on the dollar sign everyone contributes and on the limited goodwill of the people.