Starting anew

How life has become a full circle...

Two things i have begun, both likely to be turning points in my life... was (and still is) at crossroads, guess these two directions aren't exactly on the map, and definitely not the the usual paths people take. I don't walk the easy road, but create one out on my own... 路，是自己打招出来的...

I've just proclaimed to her, that i will start anew and court BB from square one, knowing the desired outcome may well be quite impossible. I have been thinking alot eversince then, and gone thru several phases of emotional thought and soul-searching... but now it had dawned onto me that she had been the only girl who had meant and shared so much that the thoughts had become an inextricable part of me... "missing her" is an understatement... she had shown me happiness which had eluded me for so long, even for that short period of time it's something that i would cherish and treasure all my life. i know she may well be avoiding me now, and i'm probably bothering her anyway, but i've given my promise - hopefully not onto empty hands, and will try with all my heart. I've tried, to look at others, seeing all the pretty things there is today... i could not feel anything for them anymore. I will try again, much more slowly this time.

And i've probably just set a new course for my life, and do something more meaningful with it. I have come to realise that alot of things have lost their meaning... material wants, entertainment, karaoke, fashion, etc... so many things that singaporeans had been aiming to obtain and enjoy - yet out there in other parts of the world there are people who are struggling just to live, without food or water, without proper clothes nor shelter... being exposed the the elements or living a life plague by violence, all these things that we all take for granted and whine or envious about when we do not have, what's their meaning? what's their value? how can we even justify living a life of excesses when there are others out there who could not help themselves even if they wanted to (nature faces the same predicament)? Have been thinking about this since in Australia... and wanted to do so during the tsunami aftermath... To become a volunteer or work in aid missions overseas where the human face of unpretentious truth comes to bare on the people, where a well-meant smile is so much easily given and received than in this place where i am now... i see the people walking by on the streets, civilised but could not care less about their surroundings other then their own needs (i'm not talking about everyone, but i simply shook my head twice seeing two incidents of blatant littering from where i was seated on the bus) - no wonder singaporeans had become such a country of couldn't-be-bothered citizens who demands alot, yet could not show gracious thanks when situations warrants it... we're even more backward in that sense then the common less well-off people in developing countries like vietnam.

Not too sure yet how i'll start, but depending on circumstances, may go full-time into relief work once my contract ends. Have just volunteered myself for Mercy Relief and hope to do some meaningful things soon... to help those who are really in need much more than you and me, much more than the average singaporean. I know if i go, i'll be leaving many behind, but will it be like when i left for Australia... without much a goodbye from frens close to me? The hardest will be for my mum, and i still owe them much debt from my overseas studies... i know mum loves me most, yet, after what had happened i could never talk nor look at her the same anymore, eventhough she was sorry that things had come to such a state... and i never blamed her though its difficult to convince her otherwise... and if so i decided to go, i cannot imagine how she'll take it... but i gotta go if i feels so... i need to find myself, my true meaning in life, and perhaps if fate finally decides so - my understanding of real happiness. I feel that somehow, i don't belong to this place anymore, could not understand the present mindset of singaporeans, and that our society had somehow become one where innocent happiness of simple things cannot be felt or is enough for anyone now... This is no longer the first time i've taken a blind leap of faith into the unknown, when at crossroads... Sometimes, loving one too much can be detrimental for both...

One would wonder, why embark on these two seemingly contradicting paths? Aren't they suppose to lead in opposite directions? Well, yes and no. If i manage to court back BB, then i wouldn't be able to go on overseas missions. Yet, with the way things are right now between her and me, all i can have is a fool's hope and heart, and try. I might not even be sure if i can go for overseas missions, and thence lie the seemingly incomprehensible crossroads i am right now. I take one step at a time and try to see as far as i can... and believe.

This is not a sad post. Abit depressive - yes, but just to illustrate how it had shown me new light, perhaps on a new path towards my happiness? Be glad for me, for now i've begun on yet another journey to find myself, to do something more meaningful with my life than to simply talk about it, and hopefully experience and understand happiness :)