Haiz.

Feels so sorry for my mum... i guess i've stopped talking to her so much for being concerned about me that i've made her cry. And she's right... i never talked to her much anymore, but i needed my own space for awhile.

Hope our talk just now made her understand i nver was angry with her for anything, and that i know how much she cares about me... it's hard for me to show it and i just needed to be by myself sometime. We can always talk about work, news, family stuff and others... perhaps i should try to be less of a total stranger from now...

It's the 3rd time i really saw her cry in my life... sorry mum, nvr meant to treat u like this. Dun cry anymore.

Some peace n quiet in office 2day

Yup... spending some time in office on a saturday definitely is one way of cooling down the mind and getting some peace n quietness.

managed at least to finish writing two meeting minutes... sianz... monday another meeting gotta write minutes again. hopefully tomorrow can at least reply that feedback email, production schedule for another project, re-phrase the tender submission (for the 3rd time... man, the contractors oredy died of hunger liao!) and do the write-ups for those tree species (another contractor potentially dying of hunger just waiting for it). Jialat... still have the student attachment thingy haben do yet, 29 days overdue!

went for a walk after leaving office, just to get my mind off things. haven been really speaking to folks at home for some time... i just really need being left alone for awhile, plugged into my mp3. went thru suntec and decided to explore the newly revamped marina square.. and i was like WOW! The whole place just got much bigger! And chok-a-block with restaurants!!! No wonder the foodcourt is getting no business. Just had my very first RotiBoy bun, not bad... quite nice actually, but ya, abit oily so i think that's why its getting no business also from the now health-conscious singaporeans. Too bad for those who refuse to enjoy. Not done yet walkin Marina Sq. Gonna go there again sometime.

Popped into the theatres to watch "Domino"... another WOW! Dunno why there's so few people watching, but that's what i call MY kind of movie... AbSoLuTeLy FANTASTIC!!! Very messy and complicated, and need some pretty deep linking in the head before knowing what's goin on, abit like Pulp Fiction, and intriguing enough to be Great! That's how i like living life on the edge where life n death is just determined by that thing called Fate, and Destiny is like a child's game which the players never know what will happen next. The bunch of 18-year old boys behind me commented the movie sucks, probably they're just waiting for the females in the show to strip and sex up the screen. Too bad little boys that you're disappointed much, you just couldn't be bothered to use your head on your shoulders instead of the one between your legs to enjoy the show. For me at least, best movie i seen so far apart from Charlie n chockie factory. I think it's even worth watching 2nd time round and getting the DVD! Much like Fight Club was to me, another dark, unpredictable and exciting movie.

Yup... i guess all that do serves to keep my mind happy, living life on the edge. It still surprises me how i can still keep my control and sanity. With a glass of dry scotch to go with it.


Last note... just did 1.5km freestyle non-stop yesterday. Abit slow though, but wait til my strained shin recovers... at least now every step no longer so unbearable. Still scratchin my head over my timing for the triathlon... they must've shortened the distance somehow. Pray for the poor guy who drowned... thot he was just lying there on the beach and everything would be okay. Will stick to 3 times at the pool a week. Maybe time to switch to somewhere else from Delta pool.

Rotten attitude

Just like to say, those few in the committee if you can't be bothered to even attend any meeting, please fuck the hell get another person be the committee member! After so many meetings all i've seen is attendence dropping close to half the members, i even had to go find and beg members to come attend. One of the recalcitrant even had to tell he's gotta reply emails and still won't get off his butt, hell, i don't care if you've 3 fucking MP letters to reply, the very fact you only sat in for 1 hour for 1st meeting and never came again, and your left-for-the-dead mindset of the committee, then go tell your director get another rep! Come-on, it's not as if i've no work to do and free to attend, i'm burning 3 straight weekends for the big november event month and working after 7pm almost every work day and still can't clear my work!!! Then what's the point i arrange and coordinate every meeting when so many doesn't want to come??!! Please at least have the courtesy to say you can't attend or send a rep after so many reminders!!! We can't wait a fucking half hour for you recalcitrants to think it's not worth your while being in the committee to even bother replying! Top management should peg attendence to staff appraisal, then send attendence to their Heads!

*Nb. The above only applies to those who attended less than 2 out of the now 6 meetings, without so much as valid reasons or not even bothering to say not attending.

Another is my immediate supervisor. Hey, i can cover your work, but please, attending 3 out of 5 external high-level meetings in the past 5 months is too much! Other agencies can bother to have their Heads and senior managers come almost every time, you still can ask me to do your work which you can't finish coz got "CCA" after 5.45pm! Eh, i'm not as free as you think leh, i manage 3 contracts, chasing after contractors and own staff over 4 divisions and i can't even get required info on time! I get seperate work from 4 different superiors and i don't even have anyone to share my work load! Not that i can't handle and whining, but pleaseee... don't give me work that is suppose to be your portfolio's responsibility! Still ask me to be Emcee for the event next weekend when u bluddy know who the VIP is! I've no problems doing so, but that only shows how gutless some higher level ppl is when faced with prospect of hosting someone at high office!

Saying of which, my head's head, wah lao, c'mon, i write the submission to senior managment coz i handle the project. What's so scared for?! It'll be my name and D's name there, not your bluddy name. The most i get sack lah, scared for your rice bowl for what?! Still ask me so many times confirm i put my own name and not yours. I ask for more funds than anyone else did in the past coz i know how undercutting will undermine our work, if you can't get your head out of the prevailing trends and follow the crowd, then how is work goin to change for the better?! I'd rather be vocal and get sacked, then keep quiet and suffer the more for it and let things rot and get worse. Thought u changed after your surgery, and i even gave u a gift from my holidays, you even reject out of fear from internal inquiries and still think can finally step over me when i tried to be friendly. Hope you retire soon, else you'll only get more frustrated by me longer.

If we can't even change the dead-end mindset of our own self and organisations, that what hope do we have in breaking out of the public perception that we do what they expect us to do for them... service to their every whim and stupidity, and threatened when we advise otherwise?! Has this become of the civil service after pampering our people so much that we can't even act or advise responsibly with wisdom, and all even for their own sake?!

Shitz.. thinking of all these just kills brain cells. Will salavage some brain for work tomorrow. Apologies if my language offended anyone, but the series of incidents these past week really got to me and i had to let rant here. Else i'll go rant at people.

To let go of u now... promised

Thanks for the message, well at least i know now for sure there is a proper end, and not leaving me half-guessing... really really appreciated it.

I still wish you well in whatever you do, in whatever comes your way in the future and may you have a blessed life. Coz, no matter what i'll still treat you as a friend even if our paths don't cross again, and in the unlikely event (and i pray will never happen) that you may need my help in anything, i'll be there, as a friend, for you... just like i am to all my friends.

And so, as i promised, i let go. Cheers, take care and have a good nite :)

追

每个人的生命中， 追求最重要的是什么？
那。。。 每一生中最重要的， 又是什么？

我相信， 每个人都想追求拥有快乐。而这世上有很多不同的快乐。。。

有很多事物和人生的目标，我们会不断的寻找，不停的负出之道成果。但，哪一些快乐才能够真正陪伴一生呢？这，只有自己心里才会明了。。。


张国荣- “追”

这一生　也在进取
这分钟　却挂念谁
我会说　是唯独你不可失去

好风光　似幻似虚　
谁明人生乐趣
我会说　为情为爱　仍然是对

谁比你重要　成功了败了也完全无重要
谁比你重要　狂风与暴雨都因你燃烧

一追再追
只想追赶生命里一分一秒
原来多么可笑　你是真正目标
一追再追
追踪一些生活最基本需要
原来早不缺少。。。
有了你　即使平凡却最重要


好光阴　纵没太多
一分钟　那又如何
会与你　共同渡过　都不枉过

疯恋多　错误更多
如能从新做过
我会说　愿能为你　提前做错

谁比你重要　成功了败了也完全无重要
谁比你重要　狂风与暴雨都因你燃烧

一追再追
只想追赶生命里一分一秒
原来多么可笑　你是真正目标
一追再追
追踪一些生活最基本需要
原来早不缺少。。。
有了你　即使平凡却最重要


一追再追
只想追赶生命里一分一秒
原来多么可笑　你是真正目标
一追再追
追踪一些生活最基本需要
原来早不缺少。。。 只得你。。。
会叫我彷佛人群里最重要


有了你　即使沈睡了　也在笑

Starting anew

How life has become a full circle...

Two things i have begun, both likely to be turning points in my life... was (and still is) at crossroads, guess these two directions aren't exactly on the map, and definitely not the the usual paths people take. I don't walk the easy road, but create one out on my own... 路，是自己打招出来的...

I've just proclaimed to her, that i will start anew and court BB from square one, knowing the desired outcome may well be quite impossible. I have been thinking alot eversince then, and gone thru several phases of emotional thought and soul-searching... but now it had dawned onto me that she had been the only girl who had meant and shared so much that the thoughts had become an inextricable part of me... "missing her" is an understatement... she had shown me happiness which had eluded me for so long, even for that short period of time it's something that i would cherish and treasure all my life. i know she may well be avoiding me now, and i'm probably bothering her anyway, but i've given my promise - hopefully not onto empty hands, and will try with all my heart. I've tried, to look at others, seeing all the pretty things there is today... i could not feel anything for them anymore. I will try again, much more slowly this time.

And i've probably just set a new course for my life, and do something more meaningful with it. I have come to realise that alot of things have lost their meaning... material wants, entertainment, karaoke, fashion, etc... so many things that singaporeans had been aiming to obtain and enjoy - yet out there in other parts of the world there are people who are struggling just to live, without food or water, without proper clothes nor shelter... being exposed the the elements or living a life plague by violence, all these things that we all take for granted and whine or envious about when we do not have, what's their meaning? what's their value? how can we even justify living a life of excesses when there are others out there who could not help themselves even if they wanted to (nature faces the same predicament)? Have been thinking about this since in Australia... and wanted to do so during the tsunami aftermath... To become a volunteer or work in aid missions overseas where the human face of unpretentious truth comes to bare on the people, where a well-meant smile is so much easily given and received than in this place where i am now... i see the people walking by on the streets, civilised but could not care less about their surroundings other then their own needs (i'm not talking about everyone, but i simply shook my head twice seeing two incidents of blatant littering from where i was seated on the bus) - no wonder singaporeans had become such a country of couldn't-be-bothered citizens who demands alot, yet could not show gracious thanks when situations warrants it... we're even more backward in that sense then the common less well-off people in developing countries like vietnam.

Not too sure yet how i'll start, but depending on circumstances, may go full-time into relief work once my contract ends. Have just volunteered myself for Mercy Relief and hope to do some meaningful things soon... to help those who are really in need much more than you and me, much more than the average singaporean. I know if i go, i'll be leaving many behind, but will it be like when i left for Australia... without much a goodbye from frens close to me? The hardest will be for my mum, and i still owe them much debt from my overseas studies... i know mum loves me most, yet, after what had happened i could never talk nor look at her the same anymore, eventhough she was sorry that things had come to such a state... and i never blamed her though its difficult to convince her otherwise... and if so i decided to go, i cannot imagine how she'll take it... but i gotta go if i feels so... i need to find myself, my true meaning in life, and perhaps if fate finally decides so - my understanding of real happiness. I feel that somehow, i don't belong to this place anymore, could not understand the present mindset of singaporeans, and that our society had somehow become one where innocent happiness of simple things cannot be felt or is enough for anyone now... This is no longer the first time i've taken a blind leap of faith into the unknown, when at crossroads... Sometimes, loving one too much can be detrimental for both...

One would wonder, why embark on these two seemingly contradicting paths? Aren't they suppose to lead in opposite directions? Well, yes and no. If i manage to court back BB, then i wouldn't be able to go on overseas missions. Yet, with the way things are right now between her and me, all i can have is a fool's hope and heart, and try. I might not even be sure if i can go for overseas missions, and thence lie the seemingly incomprehensible crossroads i am right now. I take one step at a time and try to see as far as i can... and believe.

This is not a sad post. Abit depressive - yes, but just to illustrate how it had shown me new light, perhaps on a new path towards my happiness? Be glad for me, for now i've begun on yet another journey to find myself, to do something more meaningful with my life than to simply talk about it, and hopefully experience and understand happiness :)

Another soulful nice song...

Hoobastank - The Reason


I'm not a perfect person
There's many things i wish i didn't do
But i continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so i have to say before i go
That i just want you to know

I've found the reason for me
To change who i used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I'm sorry that i hurt you
It's something i must live with everyday
And all the pain i put you through
I wish that i could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why i need you to hear

I've found the reason to me
To change who i used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you (4)

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so i have to say before i go
That i just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who i used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that i do
And the reason is you


======================================

My friends will always be my friends, no matter what.

There's just too much things i wish i had done, rather then
being too hesitant and didn't do.

We all continue learning.

Hard to improve timings...

I think at least now i'm gettin better at swimming, though still not too good yet. Monday i must've seen the swimming pool clock wrong... really dun think we toom 35 mins to swim 750!! Well, today and friday Dinu won't be swimmin, so i'll be alone at Bt Batok again. The pool at BB was great if not for the chemicals... good pool for swimmin though the overpowering chlorine hurts my eyes like hell (i dun swim wif goggles)! But at least i improved 1 minute today... did breasttroke 750 in 24 mins, did somemore up to 1km total, then did 600 in freestyle in 18 mins!!! Hopefully event day in the sea can at least do something similar...


Okay, can't do much work now, and work in office is piling up too since last week... and looks set to be even worse come CGW... 2 more meeting minutes waiting to write, report on site visit today urgent, forgot to send reminder for Techy C. tomorrow, eyes still hurting, LPS lah, etc etc etc etc etc...


Life's like dat. Take care ya! Koonngzzz............

Meaning of our lives...

The meaning of people's lives is a strange and often un-thought off kind of thing. Most of my friends would say just enjoy life and see where it takes them - which is not wrong, but are the missing something that they could really look back and say they've strove for, near the end of their lives?

Being happy though, i've to confess, is one of the basic goals that not everyone in this world can get to achieve.

My dreams are simple, and i've thought of it for so long, almost through my life. My purpose, is to fulfill what i truly believe i'm here in this world for... to make up for my past. I must be really torturous to nature then hahaha. So now i've turned to a nature lover, conservationist, environmentalist, still being the idealist that i can change the world. Crazy thought, but hey, i'm proud enough to say i've actually given it a shot, against the many criticsim of others. Well, maybe i'm just plain stubborn. Hahaha.

The meaning of my life, as again i truly believe, is to make this world a better place, both for nature, and for the people around, however contradictory it may seem. And yes, i've tried. Being a volunteer that shares my ideals, my thoughts and dreams, and make them BELIEVE, that this world could, and would, be a much better place if only we all try, however little each individual effort it may be, like a drop in the ocean. But then, it takes drops of water to make one ocean, and therefore, so long as we all try and never give up, one day we will make one ocean, even if it may be our grandchildren's grandchildren who will be the ones to see it happen. That, is the meaning of my life. And i've to do it with the 3 Hs - Head, Hands and Heart.

True, many a times i do get really down, and confused if it's all worth the efforts and strain. Afterall, it's all my own personal beliefs, and i could well be wrong my whole life. And there are times when i would be saddened, and fall down along the sides, thinking, this is such a hard and difficult journey in itself. Am i to walk it all alone? Are there anyone who'll walk beside me, to share my life, all the ups and downs, understanding me and living our lives walking the path together? Or is it destined that this is a path i must walk alone like so many others did? Or, is this path simply as what it is right from the beginning, a DREAM, and that eventually, should i decide not to be alone anymore, and walk the normal road with a love hand in hand, thru our lives? And leave the life i had lived for, behind...

Crossroads... its a difficult place to be and scary one to contemplate our lives at.


Happiness. It comes easily to some, and it never appears for others. I had my share of it. It comes most easily to one who is so young and innocent, as a wonderous child might be. Bless all the children of the world, for they see the life around with the purest eyes and minds, without corruption by all the grownup things we battle through each day. I can never say for sure if i really understand happiness, or experienced it. No one really knows for sure, but i believe there are many kinds of happiness. And happiness to me, is seeing the family and friends around me, happily living through their lives without much worry, the nature thriving with all its greens and creatures in the dynamic environments, the world to be peaceful, without much unneeded hunger nor thirst, no wars, no strife, no unnecessary evils. To have my family and friends happy for who i am, my living of my dreams to make it reality, my hand holding my other half's, so in love and being loved, hands, hearts and mind together, living our lives never apart nor too far from each other, to see our children into this world, and see the world as it really is, untainted, and see them grow up to fine young adults ready to start their own lives and carry our cherished memories thru theirs, and their children and more... that is my happiness. So eventhough it may seem that i depend on others for my happiness, in truth, it's my own happiness i'm shaping... coz it takes more than just me to have and share that kind of happiness. Maybe then, we will really come to understand what it means to be happy :)

Negativity and delusions are not good, but they teach us what we really should be searching for, and cherish the meaningful positives in our lives that we've taken for granted. We all fall down sometimes, and, depending on each of us, have to learn to pick ourselves up again either alone, or with the help of family and friends. And i'm glad to have stood up again, and would like to help others up as well... hmm... that's another purpose of my life i guess... be a friend as much as i could and be there when they needed (if only they tell me!!!).

There's no guarantee i'll not fall down again, and being lost in the negative pits of darkness again. But i know for sure, i'll have to, and will, get myself up again. Any friends there for me will be my blessings :)

Have u experienced happiness, or thought of being happy today? Let the past go and keep the cherished memories. We will find and understand happiness again, someday. So... if you've not tried to be happy today, SMILE!!! :) and i give u my blessings... coz it's my heartfelt wish that you'll be.

May u be cheerful and happy always ;)

New start - nice song by Alex To

Music r moods the the soul, like food for the hungry. Since good food will satiate the palate of a person (darn... now i feel like eating yummy food liao), nice songs will often soothe and rejuvenate the soul.

N of coz... happy songs to make happy people :P

Okay, i shan't go R(a) and talk about loving songs 0_O

hiak hiak hiak!!!


Here's one by Alex To (in trad. chinese though), no matter if meanings of the verse doesn't apply to me... nice song, enjoy n b happy :)

杜德偉 - 彩虹

愛了就別偽裝　迷失了也別徬徨
不管未來怎樣　你都要保持堅強
如果明天你的心　依然還在流浪
我愿意承受這份愛　陪著你
打造一片天地

我的世界從此以後多了一個你
每天都是一齣戲
無論情節浪漫或多離奇
這主角　是你

我的世界從此以後多了一個你
有時天晴有時雨
陰天時候我會告訴你
我愛你　勝過彩虹的 美麗

愛了就別偽裝　迷失了也別徬徨
不管未來怎樣　你都要保持堅強
如果明天你的心　依然還在流浪
我愿意承受這份愛　陪著你
打造一片天地

我的世界從此以後多了一個你
每天都是一齣戲
無論情節浪漫或多離奇
這主角　是你

我的世界從此以後多了一個你
有時天晴有時雨
陰天時候我會告訴你
我愛你　勝過彩虹的 美麗

我的世界從此以後多了一個你
每天都是一齣戲
無論情節浪漫或多離奇
這主角　是你

我的世界從此以後多了一個你
有時天晴有時雨
陰天時候我會告訴你
我愛你　勝過彩虹的 美麗

okie. time to zzzzzzzzzzzz.........................

Happi

Just re-discovered one of the basic ways to be and remain happy... 7 - 8 hours of good uninterrupted sleep!!! Makes me feel so re-charged of energy and so much easier to smile :)
Can't remember the last few times i had it since yesterday hahaha.

Hmm... have now been training for my swimming relay bit for sometime, now at Delta swimmin complex ever since training with Dinu (who's also doin the swimming relay for her team) coz it's not as far as where she's stayin den Bt Batok, and since it's also closer to Office, can finish swimmin earlier and have time for Kopi (or Becks') nearby.

Training with someone who is a real fantastic swimmer does so much to improve den swimming alone. And Dinu is one such who used to swim competitively... hard to imagine still! hahaha. At least my timing for 750m have reduced from 40mins to 35mins, then 28mins and today at 25mins. Hoping to break the 20mins barrier before 22nd Oct event! So much better, did 1.5km total today... :)

Okay... have finally decided to make a resolution today. I've known for a long time now that almost all my blogs this year had been rather -gative. Soo..... from now, every time i post something not-so-nice, i'll have to post something good i really feel great about, and more if i can. Balance abit hahaha. Hope to replace wif all happi blogs someday in future. At least one thing i learnt from bb is, that one must be happy for oneself. And if i'm happy, those around me will be too! Thanks bb, and Cheers to u :)

And of coz, Cheerz to everyone 2!!!

re-org of my frame of mind

shld try n not think too much now... just hope all will turn out good and well for bb. She deserves better, not someone who screws up his own life.

time to get on with it. jus wish we could still be frens.

may u be blessed.

Mizu no Akashi - Token of Water

Rie Tanaka

Mizu no Akashi - Token of Water (English Translation)

The night is wavering in the water
The greening shore is so still and silent
That it is sad

If only I could wait
For a beautiful dawn
With a pure heart...

Who told me that
There is a land without any conflicts
Beyond the dark seas and skies?
No one can reach that land,
Or perhaps it only exists in someone's heart

A melody that can quench the thirst
Of the land that calms the waters' flow
Even if it does not exist anywhere right now,
I will come to possess it
Always, someday, for sure

Let the token of water be in my hands
Even after engulfing all the flames,
It still continues to flow, gently and broadly
I will reach its tranquility
Always, someday, for sure
With your hand in mine...

Song By Styx

"show me the way"

Every night i say a prayer, in the hopes that there's a heaven
And every day i'm more confused, as the saints turn into sinners
All the heroes and legends i knew as a child, have fallen to idols of clay
And i feel this empty place inside, so afraid i've lost my faith

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight, to the river and wash my illusions away
Show me the way

And as i slowly drift to sleep, for a moment dreams are sacred
I close my eyes, and know there's peace, in a world so filled with hatred
That i wake up each morning and turn on the news, to find we've so far to go
And i keep on hoping for a sign, so afraid that i just won't know

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the mountain and take my confusion away
show me the way

And if i see a light, should i believe
Tell me how will i know

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river and wash my illusions away
Show me the way, show me the way
Give me the strength and the courage
To believe i'll get there someday
Show me the way

And every night i say a prayer, in the hopes that there's a heaven...




Pray not for thyself
pray for others
For the world is a whole lot sadder
then my world had ever been
i've seen much, but there's still alot i've not
so i'll just keep on tryin, and build this heaven for others
not with saints nor clay celestial gods, but my own will and shodden two hands

life changes...

i guess people in this world do change. afterall, when i try to look at myself and see how its like, say, 12 years ago, gosh... i am not the same person anymore. neither can i think how i could be like i was again.

being myself again like i was all these while...

means...

- back to being on my own again, depending just on myself for emotional support
- thinking no one could help me but myself (real stupid idea i know, but...)
- losing faith
- losing heart
- anguish at how i could be like this all these years, at how i have become
- disbelieving my place in others, coz... afterall that's what i had been made to feel
- quick to dispair, quick to let go, to switch my focus on other things to forget
- yet still, the pain comes back sometimes, in the darkest hour, when i'm as usual alone, with people around but solitary amongst the crowd and activity... in mind and heart

coz it's hard to let go of some things, and i need someone to have patience, to show me the way, to be there for me, and thru it all, understand me, and make me believe in myself, in others, again...

when i'm down, the only way to stand up again is to fight against the odds... a process by which i'll lose others faith in myself

and i remember the words from "Credo" by Joyce Carey:

The truth is that life is hard and dangerous;
That he who seeks his own happiness does not find it;
That he who is weak must suffer;
That he who is greedy will not be fed;
That he who demands love, will not find it;
That he who seeks peace, will find strife;
That truth is only for the brave;
That joy is for him who does not fear to be alone;
That life is for the one who is not afraid to die.

And so many times, i've always wanted to seek dangerous thrills and crazy stunts on mountain hiking trips... so many times i see the edge of cliffs, so easy to just put my foot out unto nothingness... but no courage to do so on my own. wish i'm more accident-prone, just to see how long and how far i can push myself living this life.

the most extreme end of the bottomless pit, is when i have nothing left inside, yet be as normal, cool and chirpy on the outside where everyone sees, like an empty decorated bottle. coz that's when i'm down in the bottom of the pit and no one knows enough to help pull me up... and its hard enough to even try by myself to feel the slippery walls, and crawl towards the light. and i just look normal on the outside until that becomes what i am... being myself... a hollow shell.

no need to change myself for others...
when changing myself with the help of others makes me a happier person, fills my life more, and living my life to the fullest for myself and for others… for our happiness together…
now, should I still be my old self?
I’ve just found my smile back, and now I may be losing it again, hopefully not…

so... what's the the world like now?

i don't wanna slip back to the bottom of the pit again, been there too many times.

Gotta hang on with all i've got, every last bit of life...





the more i know and go thru, the less i understand...
trying to re-think my place in this world...
maybe baobei is right, that i'm still not ready yet,
and maybe now the longer i walk this path, the less i can comprehend...
don't know if i'm ready for anything, anymore...

just be my own lone self again, and just let the rest of the world past by...
not much energy left after many tries, all spent...
tired and weary, life playing itself out...

Just an update...

Haiz... turns out all the trouble was caused by me alone... misunderstood my mum's intentions, and see how things had turned out...

now that we're back to right at zero, will be frens first and see how things will turn out... no regrets. but had to let her, and my heart, go in order to feel less emotional grieve - else i'll just be a wretched being. so now, i dun feel much for anything. Zombied again?

sounds alot like this song by Williams Brothers:

I'm going to live my life
Like every day's my last
Without a simple good-bye
It all goes by so fast

And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

I'm going to open my eyes
And see for the first time
I've let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite

There it goes up in the sky
There it goes beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

I'm going to look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is just an empty chair

And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

There it goes up in the sky
There it goes beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now


maybe somehow i couldn't really express to others how i feel inside...
all too deep and buried

but at least i've let go of myself now...


still... sometimes when i wake up and all i could think off is baobei...