Almost there...

December 13th 2004

The day i will be leaving this place (Brisbane) back for Singapore.

Have been waiting patiently for so long (close to 2 years without being home).

My overseas pursuit in 2001 was mainly in the name of chasing a crazy dream, and which it still is, though as yet unfulfilled. I had come, with full knowledge the inadequacy of my financial status for 4 years in Aus, hoping i might find some way to fund till its end. In spite of failure in this regard, i've no regrets uprooting myself for a personal journey of self-dependence, self-discovery and seeing the world through many eyes. And this december is not an end in itself, just a temporary pause from what i call a "life-long" adventure. Never try, never know. I've cut short my stay by changing from a 4 year specialist program for a 3 year degree, though all my courses remain what i've taken in the original program. Such measures were neccessary because my cash supply had run its turn, not surprisingly and forseen even before embarking on this journey. At least 2 years lie ahead of hard working to earn enough for my 4th honours year. "I hope you'll take less than the 2 years to come back for your honours, and hopefully i should still be here at UQ" was what my lecturer and potential honours supervisor said, to which i only smiled, knowing the fees have gone up afew $Ks since 2001.

Oh well, back to the grind. Being away from Singapore for much of the last 4 years made me feel the world's my home, doesn't matter whether it was in Pearl River Delta, China, or Brisbane, Australia, or Singapore. The very minute i step out of the airports, i feel home. But this december is different. Living entirely dependent on own's shallow pocket means not able to go out with friends even to have a coffee. In order to be sure funds are sufficient to last me 3 years until this december, the only expenditure i'm able to limit was on food and groceries. A budget of $600/month breaks down to $370 for rent, $33 for mobile phone and about $100 for homephone, electricity and other bills. There were other miscellanaeous like field trip costs and the occasional bicycle repair. Transport to school is on 2 wheels or foot. $60 for food and groceries works out to about $2 a day, no mean feat even in Singapore, much less Brisbane where normal meals cost twice as much. No outside food purchases, all cooked at home. Breakfasts of cheapest 4 whitbix downed with cheapest fruit juices, lunches of discounted bread or instant noodles. No eggs, fresh vegies, milk. Meat is homebrand luncheon roll or bulk hamburger patties, each cooked dish distributed over 4 dinners. Every train ride to city must serve good purpose. And i'm proud of it, having lasted so long. But that's why i badly yearn for the food back home. And my family of course (oops). Earned salary is what i need, and i can feast on all revered hawker food i want then.


Yet, my journey here was in part an escapism from some realities back home. Not of the economy, but the missed friendship. So many of my old friends from school days have moved on without me, even before i left. So many times i've tried to keep hold to the thread, but i'm the only one not moving on. Some of the best ones i've held them together for years before realising i was the only one binding them together. When i stopped calling, none asked why. Perhaps i'm really so insignificant in their lives, when they were the only good friends i've got and trusted. That's why i'm too unwilling to give that kind of trust and friendship to anyone, anymore, or should i? Even now, they still are my best friends... strange workings of an unsettled mind.


And when i thought "hey, i've still got my girlfriend", i got dumped while in China because she couldn't forsee a future life partner with a person who's passion was in helping the environment, not financial security. I'm not scientist, and only big name scientists earn decent livings, much less in Singapore. But that's past, and i respect her decision as well as the friendship we still have. Heck, she's getting married next year and i wish her a great and fulfilling married life. I guess back to the search for my original Angel (sorry if i've missed ya, let me know k?), which i gave up (well, now it is termed temporary) by making my ex THE angel, who turned out to be a Kat with a life of her own. I've got my sights on one good friend met early last year, who's in-training to be a nurse (white-bloused angel). Could it be her? I don't know, but i'm no longer fussed if she's not. My chosen line of work, i can't ask for heaven-sent angels to share that kind of burden, nor will i actively look since i've no time and too tired for the charade. My own future, my life as it will come to pass, has been on a turning point for quite awhile now, and that's what i've to focus on to realise it. I'll judge myself on my deathbed, but till then i do what i can, bring pride to my family so supportive of my dream with loans and moral encouragement for which i can never fully repay. My success, as much as will be my own, will be their pride. And i will not let them, and most definitely not myself down.


And now, it has come to pass. One more month before i'm back to an uncertain future. I've come to Australia to start anew, make more friends and perhaps more. But i guess it's back to square one. No great friends of old. Still, afew good friends ain't that bad, though how good only the future will tell. Will it be the same again when i'm back? Will my old friends still know me? Will life be as stagnant and stuck in a rut like before i left? I don't know, but i certainly won't let it remain as such. Friendships are only temporary, and vulnerable to human selfishness. No point believing in the "forever" word. I am shaped by an uncompromising world, and that is how i shall expect of life. And hopefully make it better. The future holds more promises of high challenges, and as far as i'm concerned, will be eagerly taken on and relished. What i feel of myself 50 years from now is in my own hands. And for that i promise my time here in Aus will be more than well worth the sacrifices. It was a challenge which i lived, enjoyed and am absolutely proud of. Will be creating opportunities for more... I'll change people's mindsets, if not change the world. Within or beyond my lifetime. That is a promise, unless someone up there found a better candidate. Will be available for coffee then.

Am hungry. Time to cook Wednesday's leftovers.

PS. I'm very happy my family remembers my birthday on Thursday, and sent me wishes even if it was only through sms. So did a long-time godsis (bless her soul and daughter Ashley) and a friend from 2 years ago. And of couse, the one whom i hope is my angel. Cheers for all.